Postal (2007)

Michael Benyaer: Mohammed

Quotes 

• Osama bin Laden : [on the walkie-talkie]  The fat man is at the buffet.

  Mohammed : What?

  Osama bin Laden : I repeat: the fat man is at the buffet.

  Mohammed : What the fuck are you talking about?

  Osama bin Laden : The van is here you idiot.

• Dude : [Holding up a detonator while everyone is shooting at him]  Bomb!

  [Shooting fades] 

  Dude : Big bomb-that-could-take-out-a-whole-city-block bomb!

  [Shooting stops] 

  Dude : Do I have your attention?

  [pause] 

  Dude : What's wrong with you people? You're all busy trying to blow up the world in the name of God! Newsflash, fucktards: God doesn't need your help! He's GOD!

  [Patriotic music plays] 

  Dude : And He... She... It... They gave you life... and you're wasting it! Look around you. Look.

  [pause] 

  Dude : Look, god damn it!

  [everyone looks at each other] 

  Dude : See? We're not that different. That's because we all come from the same family called "Humanity". And what do families do? Do they fight? Yeah, but they work it out. That's because they love each other... and that they know they're stuck with each other. Just like how we all are. Here on this big crazy mudball we call Earth. So come on, guys! Let's try to find some common ground here.

  Richard : Uh, well... we all hate Jews!

  Mohammed : [Everyone seems to agree] 

  [to a Taliban] 

  Mohammed : Everybody knows that.

  Dude : No, not a hate thing!

  [Everyone groans in disappointment] 

  Dude : A happy thing! I think it's time to empty our hands of guns and fill them... with hugs.

  [Everyone starts crying and holding hands] 

  Dude : If you want to waste this precious gift we call life, I can't stop you. So, go ahead: Shoot... or

  [spreads arms out] 

  Dude : hug.

  [pause] 

  Mohammed : [Nods]  Shoot him.

  Dude : [Everyone opens fire at Dude who goes back behind the car]  YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

• Osama bin Laden : I'm telling you, Mohammed, I've seen that gas station before. We're lost.

  Mohammed : We're not lost. All gas stations look alike in this country. What is wrong with you?

  Osama bin Laden : Would you just stop to ask for directions?

  Mohammed : Would you get off my back? I'm doing the best I can, okay?

  Osama bin Laden : I should be driving.

  Mohammed : Oh, so you can do everything around here, huh? Be the head of an organization and also be the driver? What is wrong with you?

• Osama bin Laden : I'm gonna go watch Oprah.

  Mohammed : [as Osama is leaving]  She's looking good these days. The diet is working!

• Mohammed : Where are the fucking keys? They gotta be somewhere.

  Osama bin Laden : I thought you had the keys?

  Mohammed : [searches for the keys in his clothes]  You know, sometimes it helps recreating your steps.

  Osama bin Laden : [finds the keys in his clothes]  Mohammed!

• Mohammed : It's unfortunate that the desperate nature of our situation forces one of us to hug the martyrdom once more to fight and defeat the infidels. Well, who of us will have the honor today?

  Taliban : How about you, Mohammed? You are more than worthy!

  Mohammed : Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. And I would like to do it. I would like to do it, believe me. Nobody in the world would like to do it more than me. But unfortunately Osama has forbid it me.

  Taliban : How about Abdul?

  [points to the retarted Taliban] 

  Mohammed : Ah, a good idea. A very good idea. Genius! But of course he has to agree. So... Abdul, if you don't want to be blown into tiny little pieces, hold up your hand, hop on one foot and sing "Freebird".

  Retarded Taliban : Uh... uh...

  Mohammed : Abdul, it is!

  [the other Talibans applaud] 

  Retarded Taliban : Uh...?

  Mohammed : Now, if we just had Osama. Does anyone know where the fuck he is?

• Osama Bin Ladin : Allah be praised! Now has come the time to sacrafice your lives to avenge this outrage!

  Mohammed : Or... we could just kill... the other guys! Yeah!

  Other Talibans : Yeah!

  [the other Talibans shoot through the roof of the car with their machine guns] 

• Osama bin Laden : They're not listening to me anymore, Mohammed. I tell them about Allah and glory and what do I get? What do i get all the damn time?

  Mohammed : Virgins...

  Osama bin Laden : Dingdingdingdingdingding! Nobody wants to die anymore unless they get virgins.

• Candidate Wells : [in front of Habib's Lucky Ganesh]  George W. Bush is a sham. He's an actor. That's not even his real name!

  Mohammed : [confronting Habib inside Habib's Lucky Ganesh]  He knows too much!