- Gomez Addams: Bye Fester, you can have my trains, blasting caps...
- Uncle Fester: Oh, gee, thanks. For a minute there I was sorry to see you go.
- Gomez Addams: Let's face it. Ophelia may be your older sister, but in the school of romance I'm afraid she's just a drop-out.
- Ophelia Frump: I think I'll end it all.
- Gomez Addams: I'll tell Morticia there'll be one less for lunch.
- Ophelia Frump: Gomez! Suicide on an empty stomach?
- Gomez Addams: [reading from the Peace Corps manual] What is the first aid treatment for snake bite?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, that's a cinch. You take the snake and wrap him in a nice warm blanket so he won't go into shock. Right?
- Gomez Addams: It certainly is but that's not the answer they have here.
- Gomez Addams: [reading from the Peace Corps manual] The Peace Corps mission is to make friends. Now, what would you do if you were invited to a feast in a native village and were served such local delicacies as sautéed batwing, brisket of warthog and sweet-and-sour scorpion stew?
- Uncle Fester: I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. Ich! Whoever heard of mixing sautéed batwings and brisket of warthog?
- Wednesday Addams: [reading from the Peace Corps manual] Many of the countries low bele... below the equator, where the average rainfall exceeds 200 inches per year. What would you consider the people's greatest need?
- Uncle Fester: Ha-ha. Umbrellas.
- Wednesday Addams: Oh, Uncle Fester.
- Uncle Fester: Canoes?