- Charles Gresham: I'm dead when I'm not doing a job of acting. You know, sometimes when I'm in my room, I go to the mirror, and I... I look into it, trying to see who I am, who the "me" is. I talk to myself. And all the characters I've ever played pass in front of me. And I'm every one of them, but that's all I am. There's no real me, only the characters. Don't you see? Then I... then I go back and I sit and I wait. I wait for somebody, somebody like you, Wayne, to call me, to bring me back to life again. I'm only real when I'm acting. The rest of the time I'm nothing. That's why I drink. Don't you see?
- [introduction]
- Alfred Hitchcock: [Hitchcock is in a library; he takes a book and walks alongside the shelves] Good evening. I understand it is fashionable to introduce television plays from a library. And so, I thought I would preface tonight's play, "The Cream of the Jest" in this way.
- [camera pulls back to reveal that he's in a public library with other patrons]
- Alfred Hitchcock: "The Cream of the Jest" is a play about the theatrical business.
- [patrons shush him; he continues, whispering]
- Alfred Hitchcock: And it has as its central character a fading actor named Charles Hanover Gresham. Our play will...
- [patrons shush him again; he continues quickly]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Our play begins in just one moment!
- [afterword]
- Alfred Hitchcock: [Hitchcock is still in the library sitting at the table reading the same book. He snaps it shut] Well, there's no use taking that book home with us now we've finished it.
- [Gets up and takes a coat from a rack to put it on]
- Alfred Hitchcock: By the way, in case you are interested, the police learned of Wayne Campbell's connection with tonight's crime...
- [Hitchcock can't fit into the coat]
- Alfred Hitchcock: I can't understand why this coat doesn't seem to fit. I just bought it.
- [takes it off and looks at the label]
- Alfred Hitchcock: There seems to be a message stitched inside. "Occupancy by more than one person contrary to law." Well, no wonder.
- [throws the coat on the chair]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Next time, we shall return with another story. Join us then. Good night.
- Charles Gresham: You're looking very sleek.
- Wayne Campbell: You're looking fairly sober, for a change.
- Wayne Campbell: [misquotes Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' slightly] "Speak the speech, I pray you, As you have pronounced it, trippingly on the tongue. But if you mouth this as many of your players do, I will as lief the town crier spoke me lines." See, I can recite that Shakespeare too.
- Charles Gresham: Yes, we won't mention how.
- [first lines]
- Jerry the Bartender: [to a customer] Thank you.
- Charles Gresham: Hello, Jerry. How fresh and dewy you look.
- [last lines]
- Mr. Roper: [reading] "From the office of Wayne Campbell. Listen pal, you can't shove me off. I know too much." Wayne Campbell.
- Charles Gresham: Jerry? Do you know what I wish? I wish you were Shakespeare. I wish you were just writing Macbeth. Beautiful thing, Macbeth. You know Jerry, that's what's the matter with these modern playwrights. Most of the time, they are "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing".
- [quotes Shakespeare's 'Macbeth']
- Charles Gresham: It's sad Jerry, it's real sad. I tell you Jerry, they're all phonies, all of them, pretending to be something they're not.