American Dad! (TV Series)

Deacon Stan, Jesus Man (2005)

Seth MacFarlane: Stan Smith, Roger the Alien, Greg Corbin, Alan Greenspan

Quotes 

• Stanley Smith : Francine, remember the agreement we've made that we could do one person and it wouldn't count?

  Francine Smith : Yes. You picked Susan Sarandon.

  Stanley Smith : I've changed my mind! I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.

  Francine Smith : Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us!

• Stanley Smith : Oh, I could make potato salad.

  Stanley Smith : Potato salad? Hm, not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. That reminds me, we should have sex tonight.

• Stanley Smith : [discussing Francine's potato salad]  What if I told you that it contained a horrible ingredient? An unholy ingredient.

  Karl Rove : Unholy, you say?

  Karl Rove : [stands up and opens his robe, traumatizing the entire family then sits back down]  Anything else?

  Steve Smith : Where... where does your food go?

• Stanley Smith : [to Roger]  You knocked up my boy?

  Roger : I warned you I was going through my reproductive cycIe. Oh, and FYI, honey, Steve came onto me.

  Stanley Smith : [to Hayley]  How couId you do this to me? This is what happens when you give it up for free.

  Hayley Smith : Why are you yelling at me?

  Stanley Smith : I figured you'd be in this situation, so that's what I prepared for!

• Hayley Smith : Steve, are you sure you want to have this child?

  Steve Smith : Yeah, I guess so. Roger, what do you say? You ready, partner?

  Roger : [slurred]  Oh, yeah. Fatherhood. Jazzed. It's not Iike I wanted to do anything with my life, like Iearn to surf or go to JerusaIem.

  Steve Smith : Are you drunk?

  Roger : Get used to it!

  [slams the door] 

• Stanley Smith : You know what? The hell with Chuck White! And forget the deaconship! Son, you're keeping your alien baby.

  Steve Smith : Thanks, Dad.

  Doctor : Did you say "alien baby"?

  Stanley Smith : No, I said "doctor's corpse found in desert."

• Francine Smith : [as Stan rushes to get to church on time]  Wait! My bra!

  Stanley Smith : No time! Just keep your arms crossed and Jesus won't see 'em!

• Roger : Oh, Cagney & Lacey! You were so much more than thick ankles and carefuI police work.

• Roger : Every six years, my gIaxins shoot up into my fompairs, causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus.

  Klaus : Your insides sicken me! I'll be in mein crapper. I'm aIways in mein crapper.

• Bartender : [to Francine]  Hey, Mr Fishburne.

  Francine Smith : Yo, what up, G? Two fingers.

  [to Stan] 

  Francine Smith : Last time, he mistook me for Laurence Fishburne. I just never corrected him.

  Stanley Smith : What a mess! If they find out my son is pregnant, I'll Iose my deaconship and Chuck White wins again!

  Francine Smith : Stan, forget Chuck White. Your son is confused and scared, and he needs you.

  [the bartender gives Francine a glass of whiskey] 

  Francine Smith : I said two fingers, bitch!

  [slaps the glass to the floor] 

• Stanley Smith : I'm gonna go in with Steve for his prenataI exam aIone. It's kind of a father-son thing.

  Francine Smith : Oh, okay. HayIey and I'll go say heIIo to the donkey running around the cancer ward.

• Doctor : Steve, I spoke to your father, and he informs me you have a growth you wouId Iike me to ''take care of."

  Stanley Smith : You know, that ''inside zit'' we talked about.

  Steve Smith : So you want me to get rid of it. But I thought we were conservatives.

  Stanley Smith : We are, in America. Down here, we're just Juan and Pedro Gomez, orange farmers from Oaxaca, who've come in for a delicate procedure.

  Steve Smith : Okay, Dad. I know if Mr White found out you had a pregnant son, he'd be aII and you'd be all, "Every freakin' time!" So I won't have this baby.

  Stanley Smith : Wait. You think that's what this is all about? Beating Chuck White? Am I that awful?

  Steve Smith : Dad, we're in Mexico. I'm in stirrups.

  Doctor : And I've been drinking.

• Stanley Smith : I wanted to thank you all for eIecting me deacon. UnfortunateIy, something unexpected has come up, and I have to abdicate my position.

  Whiny Parishioner : But why?

  Stanley Smith : It's a bizarre situation. Not "8 SimpIe Rules let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre", but cIose.

• Klaus : I'll tell you something, though. You've just eaten all the potato salad Francine made for the Deacon's Wake! Ha ha ha!

  Roger the Alien : And you didn't stop me? How could you do that?

  Klaus : Yeah, still German...