Andy Richter: Andy Richter

Quotes 

• Andy Richter : [narrating]  It was a day like any other day and Byron and I were hard at work writing a manual for the Im-Pickering industries Jet Pack. When suddenly:

  Keith Richards : Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie tonight?

  Andy Richter : [still narrating]  Then, without warning, Byron shocked us with a startling revelation:

  Byron Togler : No, I can't.

  Andy Richter : [resumes narrating]  Next, he rocked our world with something so unbelievable, no sane person could have predicted it:

  Byron Togler : There's a 'Taxi' Marathon on TV tonight that I really wanna watch.

• Keith Richards : That's an interesting story. You know, I was briefly married to Daryl Hannah.

  [Andy and Byron are speechless] 

  Keith Richards : Anyway, think about the movie.

  [leaves] 

  Andy Richter : Let's never talk to him about anything ever again.

• Wendy McKay : Come on, Jake-me-to-the-river, I think there are some popsicles left in the freezer.

  [Wendy and Jake leave] 

  Andy Richter : No there aren't. It's just that same empty box that somebody is too lazy to throw out.

  Byron Togler : I did not eat the last one!

  Andy Richter : And yet you know that someone did!

• Andy Richter : You know what that kid could use? A huge distinguishing scar. That would have really helped out yesterday.

  [Jessica scowls at him] 

  Andy Richter : Maybe one of those metal claw hands...

• Keith Richards : So you bagged Marilu Henner?

  Andy Richter : Yes. And it was hot and steamy and everything that fan on celebrity sex should be.

  Andy Richter : [narrating]  Except for the part where she made me bark like a dog. And not a big strong dog, either, a yapping little rat dog.

• Andy Richter : I gotta get Jake a jet pack.

  Keith Richards : It's in the basement.

  Andy Richter : Really, the basement? They have them in this building?

  Keith Richards : They got a lot of things in this building you don't know about. Things you don't want to know about.

  Andy Richter : I know there's a gym, look, will you get off me about that, I signed up!

  Keith Richards : But you never go.

  Andy Richter : I'm busy!

  Byron Togler : You're not that busy.

  Andy Richter : Guys, we're talking about a jet pack.

  Keith Richards : Don't worry, I know the guy who runs the storage room, he'll get you one.

  Andy Richter : Really? Well, that's great! How come you always know a guy?

  Keith Richards : 'Cause I go to the gym.

• Jessica Green : He's a twelve year old kid! If my sister finds out he saw a sex tape, she will beat me to death with one of her precious Bibles.

  Andy Richter : Well I say we knock him around until he gives it back.

  Jessica Green : So your plan is lose him, show him pornography, then beat him up.

  Andy Richter : That's the Chicago way!