Andy Richter: Andy Richter

Quotes 

• Andy : Look, I've got something to tell you. Ben has a twin, and they've been sharing you.

  Jessica : Yeah, I know.

  Andy : Yeah, but you don't understand. Ben is not always Ben, but sometimes his twin brother.

  Jessica : Uh-huh.

  Andy : Ok, sometimes two babies come out of a lady...

  Jessica : Yeah, I know all about that. First, I had my doubts, but then I decided to bite Ben on the thigh. The next day, the mark wasn't there.

  Andy : [thinking]  So much simpler than my plan.

  Jessica : So, anyway, I realized that Ben is an incredibly interesting and intelligent guy, but lame in the sack. But, his brother, who's a complete moron, is amazing in bed. So, if I have an incredibly amazing conversation with one of them, I fake a headache and go home. And, if I'm with a guy who can hardly put a sentence together, I give him a PowerBar and take him back to my place. As long as they don't know I know, I'm completely satisfied!

  [pause] 

  Andy : You're not like other girls, are ya?

• Andy : [thinking]  My plan was to tell Ben my grandmother's age, and make sure he remembered it. Then, I was going to bring it up the next time I see him. If he didn't remember her age, that means that he actually is sharing her with his twin.

  [cut to a scene of Andy meeting Ben] 

  Andy : Hey, Ben! Or as my 84 year old grandmother would say, "Hey Ben, I'm 84." 84! That's so funny, me and Ben were just talking about how old my 84 year old grandmother is. She can barely walk, cuz she's 84.

  [Ben leaves confused. Cut to a scene of Andy in a bar] 

  Andy : There he is he just walked in. Hey, Ben! Remember that day when we talked about my 84 year-old grand... Aww, crap.

  [thinking] 

  Andy : There goes my dream of being a spy.

• Andy : And, now, it's time to bring my plan to its wickedly delicious conclusion!... Ok, now I just sound gay.

• Andy : I found the perfect guy for you.

  Jessica : What's so great about him?

  Andy : You didn't choose him.

  Jessica : That's definitely good.

• Andy : [thinking]  This is Mr. Pickering, the man who started this company, in the 19th century.

  Mr. Pickering : Well, it seems you've gotten yourself into another predicament.

  Andy : You know, there are pills I could take that would make me stop talking to you.

• Andy : Morning. What's that smell?

  Byron Togler : Does it smell like a crab died in yoghurt? Because then it might be my back

• Andy : [Jessica comes up to Andy and kisses him on the cheek]  Ow!

  Jessica : What do you say ow for, I kissed you!

  Andy : Hard!

  Keith Richards : You okay, man?

• Andy : Wait, Ben has a twin? Are they identical?

  Byron Togler : To each other? Absolutely. To other sets of twins? I doubt it.

• Andy : Listen, have Jessica and that so called Ben showed up yet?

  Keith Richards : I don't know. Let me check the bottom of this glass.

  [empties his glass in one gulp] 

  Keith Richards : Nope, not there.

• Mr. Pickering : I love the fair sex. But science tells us it degrades their femininity if they're allowed to read or own money or leave the house or call for help...

  Andy : You know, there are pills I could take that would make you stop talking to me.