- [Mrs. Slocombe has been reprimanded by Captain Peacock for wearing ill-fitting long underwear to keep warm]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Mr. Rumbold, I'm so sorry to disturb you, but Captain Peacock asked me to remove these, so I said I'd ask you.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: You appear to have got them halfway down already. Where exactly are they stuck?
- Mrs. Slocombe: No, no. They're not stuck. I just want to know how you feel about them.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: To be perfectly frank, they don't do anything for me.
- Mrs. Slocombe: They're not supposed to do anything for you! They're supposed to be keeping me warm.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I see. And are they?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Yes.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Then what's the problem?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Do you mind if I don't take them off?
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I would prefer it.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Thank you.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Always glad to be of assistance.
- [Mrs. Slocombe leaves]
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [frowns] I wonder what the problem was.
- Captain Peacock: Good morning Mrs Slocombe, Miss Brahms. You're one minute late.
- Mrs. Slocombe: You're lucky to have me at all, Captain Peacock. I had to thaw me pussy out before I came. He'd been out all night.
- Mr Humphries: [Captain Peacock is wearing a ski mask] Oh, it's the masked stranger. Take my body but leave my jewels alone.
- Captain Peacock: Good morning, Mr. Humphries.
- Mr Humphries: I withdraw the offer.
- Captain Peacock: They're very useful for keeping out the cold.
- Mr Humphries: Whatever has happened to the central heating in here? My ballpoint'll never function in this weather.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Mr. Humphries, what are you doing?
- Mr Humphries: I'm warming me hands in the cashmere. It was so cold last night, I had to iron the sheets before I got into bed.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: I tell ya, these power cuts make me wish I was married.
- Mr. Mash: Psst. Gov'nor. Psst. Here, lads, what about a cup of under-the-counter cocoa, then?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, yeah. Don't let Peacock see.
- Mr. Mash: Well if he complains, he won't get one.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [referring to Mr. Mash] Ha-ha-ha... He's one of us.
- [is about to take a sip of the hot chocolate Mr. Mash provided]
- Mr. Mash: Ten pence each.
- Mr Humphries: He's not one of us.
- [he and Mr. Lucas put their hot chocolates back on Mr. Mash's tray]
- [first lines]
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, good morning, ladies.
- Elsie, Gladys: Morning.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: How are we this morning?
- Elsie: Me shammy's gone stiff.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: I'm sorry I'm late, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Peacock: Don't tell me you skated here, Mr. Lucas?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: No, no, I went skating last night with a girlfriend and she's got thin blood.
- Captain Peacock: What has that to do with your being late?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Well I had to stay the night with her, to keep her circulation going, you know.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, yes, it is very parky, isn't it? Yes, I had to put my long underpants on this morning.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: Ooh, d'you know I wish I put on my thicker knickers this morning.
- Captain Peacock: You know, you young girls today don't wear enough clothes.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: And how would you know?
- Captain Peacock: Well, I keep warm with this. See? The commando's used to wear them during the war. You'd do well to do the same.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: What? String knickers? You must be joking.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well I think it's ridiculous expecting us to fit a customer with a bra in this weather.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you free?
- Captain Peacock: At the moment, yes.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Could I have a word with you?
- Captain Peacock: Certainly.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it's rather personal.
- Captain Peacock: Ah.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms has just been and it's frozen over.
- Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
- Mrs. Slocombe: The ladies. It's solid.
- Captain Peacock: I see. But what exactly do you expect me to do about it?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I thought I'd ask you if umm... we could use the gents. It's rather urgent.
- Captain Peacock: Yes, well, I'll uh have a word with Mr. Grainger. You must go through the right channels, you know.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Yeah, well, don't be too long.
- [Miss Brahm's mouths "But it's cold"]
- Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Err, yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Peacock: Umm, a slightly delicate situation has arisen. It appears...
- [whispers what has had happened into Mr. Grainger's ear]
- Mrs. Slocombe: He's asking Grainger.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, fancy telling Grainger I wanted to go.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I understand, Captain Peacock. Of course, I shall have to consult my colleagues. Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?
- Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] We're free.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh, he'll be sending for Doctor Kissinger in a minute.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: It's degrading. He's telling them all now.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Why can't she use the one in the bargain basement?
- Mr Humphries: Yes, or the public one on the sports floor?
- Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr Humphries: Err... I'm free, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Peacock: Good. We mustn't keep the customer waiting.
- Captain Peacock: Are you being served, Sir?
- Footwarmers Customer: I'd like to look at some trousers, please.
- Captain Peacock: One moment, Sir.
- Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Peacock: How long have we been displaying electrical equipment in the Cardinal Woolsey cabinet?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you free, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr Humphries: I'm afraid I am, Mr. Grianger. Mr. Lucas is free too.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Thank you.
- Young Mr. Grace: Good morning, everybody.
- Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Good morning, Mr. Grace.
- Young Mr. Grace: I think you've all done very well, working in these cold conditions.
- Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Grace.
- Young Mr. Grace: Carry on. You've all done very well.
- Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.
- [last lines]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Actually, I have a confession to make. I took the liberty of having a little nip of something to keep me warm.
- Captain Peacock: I wouldn't have minded a drop myself, Betty.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Be my guest, Stephen. It's secreted in the perfume display.
- Captain Peacock: How ingenious?
- [laughs]
- Mrs. Slocombe: [picks up the wrong perfume bottle] Open your mouth.
- Captain Peacock: As there are no customers around.
- Mrs. Slocombe: This'll put the roses back in your cheeks.
- Captain Peacock: [Mrs. Slocombe sprays perfume in Captain Peacock's mouth] Agh! Ooh!
- Mr. Dick Lucas: A bit taters in here this morning, innit?
- Captain Peacock: You needn't concern yourself with the heat, Mr. Lucas. Mr. Rumbold is going to make an announcement about that in a few moments.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, well, we've got nothing to worry about then, have we? The shear excitement of an announcement by Mr. Rumbold is sending the blood pounding through my temples already.
- Mr Humphries: That's not excitement, that's a hangover.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I do wish you'd wait for me to say "come in" before you come in, Captain Peacock!
- Captain Peacock: [after a lengthy and embarrassing consultation with the Men's Department on whether Miss Brahms can use their toilet since the one in the ladies department is frozen and unusable] They've agreed.
- Mrs. Slocombe: There you are, Miss Brahms!
- Miss Shirley Brahms: I don't want to go, now.
- Young Mr. Grace: I've brought you good news.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: We've just had good news. We're going home.
- Young Mr. Grace: I've just had the heating turned on again.
- Mrs. Slocombe: But I thought there was no fuel left.
- Young Mr. Grace: Well, you see, I happen to own the Wharfside Coke Company.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [dismayed] How very fortuitous, Mr. Grace.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: But I thought your men were all on strike, Mr. Grace.
- Young Mr. Grace: Ah, yes, yes, but I've sacked the men and had the warehouse chopped up. That should keep our boilers going for a bit.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: That's the way to treat the workers, Mr. Grace.
- Mr Humphries: [Mr Lucas comes out of the lift with ice skates around his neck] "Oh look, it's Sonja Henie"
- Mr. Mash: [whispering] Nice hot cup of cocoa, Captain?
- Captain Peacock: [reaches for cup, then hesitates] Leave the floor.
- Mr. Mash: I'll leave one round the back for you.
- Captain Peacock: I didn't hear that.
- Mr. Mash: [shouts] I said I'd leave one round the back for you!