- Mr. Ernest Grainger: I do hope he hasn't gone off the rails. I did myself, you know, when I was in Bathroom Fittings. There was a girl in Haberdashery...
- [Ashamedly]
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: I got her into trouble.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: What, with the supervisor?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: In the Club.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: You mean the social club?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: The *Pudding* Club, you fool! What, you think you invented it?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Everything all right, Captain Peacock?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, yes, up to a point.
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Was Mr. Rumbold helpful?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Let's put it this way - if one were drowning, Mr. Rumbold would be the first to hold out an electric cow prod.
- Mrs. Peacock: Is that her?
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: That is my secretary, yes.
- [Mrs. Peacock breaks down sobbing]
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Do you know, when I was in the navy, we had a petty officer just like that.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I notice she didn't burst into tears when she thought it was me.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [dryly] Funny, that.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [Captain Peacock has arrived very late to work after an alleged affair with Mr. Rumbold's secretary] Good morning, Mr. Humphries.
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh, good morning, Captain Peacock!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Good *afternoon,* Captain Peacock.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, I am a bit late. There's a reason, of course.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Yes, and here it comes.
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to the camera] And the next object is: a lie. A lie.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I sat behind the wheel all night, trying to think what to say...
- [stands]
- Captain Stephen Peacock: to the woman I love.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Why not, "Jump in the front for a quick cuddle?"
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Foolishly, I asked Mr. Rumbold to perjure himself. Quite correctly, he refused so to do. For, after all, when the final account is balanced up in the Book of Life, we are men of integrity. What I've said is true, and I swear it, as a God-fearing man, and an ex-officer of the Royal Army Service Corps.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [after applause from the department, Mr. Rumbold stands] Mrs. Peacock, if ever I've heard the truth from the lips of a man, then I've heard it today. I'm sure you can doubt your husband no longer.
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to Mr. Grainger] I didn't think people talked like this anymore!
- Miss Shirley Brahms: [Seeing Mrs. Slocombe being chased by Mrs. Peacock and her umbrella] It don't look like she got the job.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Did you or did you not spend the night with Captain Peacock?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I object. Now, "spend the night" has many connotations. One can spend the night quite innocently in someone's company. If you mean, did she have an affair with me, then say so.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, very well. Did you have an affair with Captain Peacock?
- Miss Monica Hazlewood: Certainly not!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Thank you.
- Miss Monica Hazlewood: Why, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. It's absurd. Ugh... it's unthinkable!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [indignant] You've made your point, Miss Hazelwood. A plain "no" would have been quite sufficient.