- Captain Stephen Peacock: On the chest of a barmaid from Sale, Was tattooed all the prices of ale. Whilst on her behind, for the sake of the blind, was precisely the same, but in Braille.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold, Miss Brahms and I would like to complain about the state of our drawers. They're... They're a positive disgrace.
- Mr. Rumbold: Your what, Mrs. Slocombe?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Our drawers. They're sticking. It's always the same in damp weather.
- Mr. Rumbold: Really?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms could hardly shift hers at all just now.
- Mr. Lucas: [laughing] No wonder she was late.
- Mrs. Slocombe: They sent up a man who put beeswax on them, but that made them worse.
- Mr. Rumbold: I'm not surprised.
- Miss Brahms: I think they need sandpapering.
- Mr. Rumbold: Would that help, do you think, Peacock?
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, you see, I puff French chalk on mine, and they're as smooth as silk.
- Mr. Lucas: Perhaps you could puff some French chalk over Mrs. Slocombe's.
- Mr. Rumbold: Would that solve your problem, Mrs. Slocombe?
- Mrs. Slocombe: They ought to be changed. I've had them ever since I've been here!
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Mr. Grainger is snoring on his chair] Poor old soul, he's been on his feet all day. He probably goes to sleep about this time on the train.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger?
- Mr. Rumbold: Mr. Grainger?
- Miss Brahms: Mr. Grainger?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms! Mr. Grainger?
- Miss Brahms: Baldy?
- Mr. Rumbold: One hesitates to lay hands on him. Still...
- Mr. Lucas: Oh no, no, no. I wouldn't if I were you, Mr, Rumbold. No, no. Just think. Sudden shock, heart attack, kicks the bucket. News Of The World: "Aged Worker Dies At Hands Of Overseer". That wouldn't look good for Grace Brothers.
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Excuse me, Captain Peacock. I think I know what to do.
- [coughs]
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, do you feel like having cocoa and buns, now?
- Mrs. Slocombe: I never feel like having cocoa and buns. If I'd known the firm was going to be so stingy, I'd have gone out and had a Wimpy cheeseburger.
- Mr. Rumbold: I believe there's some cheese in the buns.
- Miss Brahms: I don't like cheese.
- Mr. Lucas: There's not very much cheese in the buns.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Good morning, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Eight fifty-eight.
- [hands her a pencil to sign in]
- Mrs. Slocombe: As departmental head of ladies' ready-mades, I hardly think it necessary for me to clock in like a char.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: What has happened to Miss Brahms?
- Mrs. Slocombe: She isn't late, she's powdering her nose.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: She ought to sign in first.
- Mrs. Slocombe: It was very urgent that she powdered it when she did. And I gave her permission so to do.
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Signing in at work] Good morning Captain Peacock.
- [Looks at his watch]
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Eight fifty-nine and ten... ten seconds, yes. I would have been here at eight fifty-eight, but I caught my hand bag in the lift.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Hand bag?
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, it's Miss Brahms' actually. She left it on the stairs. She must have been in rather a hurry. Besides, I wouldn't be seen dead with imitation crocodile, not with these shoes anyway.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: I walked through the park in order to give my toast crusts to the ducks. My wife doesn't like me to leave them, but these new teeth of mine... They're a little to much for them. You know, even the ducks have to wait until they go soggy.
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: They'll probably be all right, when you've run them in a bit.
- Miss Brahms: Sorry I'm late, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: That's all right, Miss Brahms.
- Mr. Lucas: Oh, it's all right for her, is it?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: She has been powdering her nose.
- Mr. Lucas: Well, why is it so shiny then?
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [after Mr. Lucas talks to Captain Peacock] Did you have a nice little chat?
- Mr. Lucas: He said I've got to report to Rumbold at nine fifteen with my sales book. What does that mean?
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, in the terms of the Almighty's grand plan for the universe, very little. But as far as your concerned, it probably means you'll be at the labor exchange at half past nine.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger, would you step this way please, if you're free.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm... I'm free, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas?
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Free, Captain Peacock.
- Mr. Lucas: Oh, very free, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Step this way.
- Miss Brahms: Honestly, it's the limit. They don't consider your private life at all.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Did you have a date?
- Miss Brahms: No, but I might have had.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: I suppose I ought to phone Mrs. Grainger, and tell her to keep the pie warm in the oven.
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Tell her to turn the regulo down to a quarter. If she hardens that crust, it'll play havoc with your gums.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Take that silly grin off your face, Mr. Lucas. It's very bad for trade.
- Mr. Lucas: You just can't win, can you?
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Take no notice of him. He's jealous. If he tried it, they'd drop on the floor.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
- Miss Brahms: What a load of old codswallop this is.
- Mr. Lucas: Why, are you going out tonight?
- Miss Brahms: No.
- Mr. Lucas: How about coming out to the pictures, with me, then?
- Miss Brahms: What's on?
- Mr. Lucas: Well, there's "Bambi" at Studio 2, and then round the corner, there's "The Unsatisfied Virgin".
- [pause]
- Mr. Lucas: I've seen "Bambi".
- Miss Brahms: Forget that. By the time Rumbold's finished rabbitting on, the virgin will have been satisfied, and they'll all have gone home.
- Miss Brahms: What a pity, your ear holes aren't a bit bigger.
- Mr. Lucas: Why?
- Miss Brahms: 'Cause then you could shove a toothbrush in them and clean that filthy mind of yours.
- Mr. Rumbold: A satisfied team is an efficient team.
- Mr. Lucas: And a satisfied virgin, is a virgin no longer.
- Mr. Rumbold: [handing Mrs. Slocombe the jug of milk] Would you like to be mother, Mrs. Slocombe?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, seeing as I'm not having any, I don't see why I should be lumbered pouring it out.
- Mr. Rumbold: That was a very smart bit of selling, Mr. Lucas. You see, the smile does the trick.
- Mr. Lucas: Oh, it does indeed, Mr. Rumbold, yes.
- Mr. Rumbold: You obviously know your stock very well. Even I was unaware we had a vicuna coat.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: We haven't. Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace his own coat.
- Mr. Rumbold: Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace, Mr. Lucas's coat?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: No... Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace, Mr. Grace's coat.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I hope your cat won't suffer unduly from its enforced confinement.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, it's not confined. It's shut up.