- Captain Stephen Peacock: [to Mrs. Slocombe] With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh... Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Neither would I.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [after Young Mr. Grace leaves] We'll that was a short day, wasn't it?
- Mr. Humphries: I don't know, he's put in ten minutes. I wonder where he's going?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: I think it's a toss up between the bank and the undertaker.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Come a little closer, we don't want the customer's to hear.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: You'd have to shout.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, Miss Brahms, pull your skirt down.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: Well, we're not open.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That may be, but now that we are sharing our department with Gents Outfitting, it might pay us to be a little more circumspect.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I'm not having that common thing in my department.
- Mr. Mash: You're just jealous, 'cause you can't do it.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [trying to carry a mannequin] Give me a hand with this. Oh, come on. Which end do you want? Heads or tails?
- Miss Shirley Brahms: Now, do be careful. Mrs Slocombe had to wait six weeks for it.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, when you get to her age, what can you expect?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: [Mr. Lucas is carrying an almost naked mannequin with Miss Brahms] Mr. Lucas, put something on it. It is a house rule, you know.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, well, I, I'm sorry Mr. Grainger. I thought it was alright if they was wearing tights.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, well, it's er... hardly sufficient, is it?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [laughs] I see what you mean.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Anyway, the upper part should be obscured.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: I'm sorry, Mr. Grainger.
- [puts his hands over the mannequin's bare breasts]
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: How long have you been with Grace Brothers, Mr. Lucas?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Ah, one month, Mr. Grainger.
- [looks at his hands holding the mannequin's breasts]
- Mr. Dick Lucas: I-I'm still sort of feeling my way around, as you might say.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes.
- [walks off]
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Cop hold.
- [takes his hands away from the mannequin's breasts]
- Miss Shirley Brahms: What about obscuring it?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Alright then, lend us your knickers.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: Now, don't you start. And anyway, they wouldn't obscure anything.
- Mr. Humphries: [to Mr. Lucas about Mr. Grainger] Don't take any notice of him. He won't sack you. He's too soft-hearted. He'll get Peacock to do it.
- Mr. Humphries: [talking about Young Mr. Grace] He's worth two million.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Two million?
- Mr. Humphries: He can't take it with him.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: The way he's walking, he looks as though he's carrying it on his back.
- Mr. Humphries: [Talking about Miss Brahms] She's got a nerve!
- Mr. Dick Lucas: What's the matter now?
- Mr. Humphries: She wants to remove my shirt and put a bra there instead.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Just you, or all of us?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Don't worry about the sleeves, Sir. They'll ride up with wear. If they don't, do bring them back.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Good morning, Mr. Grainger. Are you free?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: [looks about him] Er... Yes, I'm free.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, that isn't what I understood when I agreed to share my department with you.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: May I remind you, that I am not sharing with you. You are sharing with me.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, what's the difference?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: The difference, Mrs. Slocombe, is that you are not going to get that stand.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I see. Well... I shall have to go over your head, which won't be all that difficult.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, it's like this, Captain Peacock. When I agreed to move my department down here, I understood that I was to have proper display facilities. Well, I've just asked... very politely asked Mr. Grainger, to accommodate me on the centre stand, and he as good as told me to get stuffed.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: That doesn't sound like our Mr. Grainger.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Those weren't his exact words, but that's what he implied.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, ah, what did you expect me to do, Mrs. Slocombe?
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, I thought that as you were in command here, you'd tell him where he got off.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, erm, you must understand, Mrs. Slocombe...
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, come now... Betty.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Betty. As I was saying, you must understand, Mrs. Slocombe, that Mr. Grainger has been here a very, very long time.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Then it's time he went.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: It's hardly your place to decide that.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: You mean, you're just going to stand there, and let him walk all over me?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I don't think there's much danger of that.
- [laughs]
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: What are you going to do?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I shall go and have a word with him, and, and hear his side of it.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: But I told you his side of it.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: You must leave me to me, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Very well, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: If you're free, Mr. Grainger, I'd like a word.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh yes, I, I think I'm free.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Furthermore, I don't happen to have a baby, and if I did have a baby, it would have nothing to do with whether I had my underwear up or not.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, if you're free. Miss Brahms, gather round. Mr. Lucas, are you free?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [looks about him] I'm free.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries discuss the Blue Cinema Club card that had fallen out of Captain Peacock's pocket] Hello.
- Mr. Humphries: What's that?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Blue Cinema Club.
- Mr. Humphries: I shouldn't have thought a young virile gentleman like yourself, needed that sort of stimulation.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: It's not mine. It fell out of Captain Peacock's pocket.
- Mr. Humphries: It didn't? Let me have a look. Oh.
- [reads off card]
- Mr. Humphries: "Members Signature: Captain John Smith". Captain John Smith! That's him, all right. I wondered why he bought that brown raincoat in the sale.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: I'd better give it to him.
- [he starts to leave the counter]
- Mr. Humphries: That'll be the last thing you do.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: What do you mean?
- Mr. Humphries: Well, if he knows that you know that he goes sitting in that little cinema, where there's no room for your legs and they all have their macs over their knees...
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [loudly] How do you know what it looks like?
- Mr. Humphries: My doctor sent me there for therapy.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [pause] Did it work?
- Mr. Humphries: That's none of your business.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, what are we going to do?
- Mr. Humphries: We are going to do nothing. You leave it there. He'll see it. He's got eyes like a Scandinavian mountain hawk. We'll pretend we haven't seen it.
- Mr. Humphries: Having trouble with Mrs. Slocombe?
- Mr. Mash: All that women's lib has gone to her head, mate.
- Mr. Humphries: Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire Brigade.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [Mr. Lucas has gone to get a mannequin head for Mrs. Slocombe] Oh, and hurry up with that head, Mr. Lucas. It's nearly opening time.