Are You Being Served? (TV Series)
The Clock (1974)
John Inman: Mr. Humphries
Photos
Quotes
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Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Well, Mr Humphries, you and I appear to be the only two not dancing.
Mr. Humphries : [getting up] Well, all right, if you promise not to lead.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : [shocked] I think we'd better get on with the speeches!
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[Captain Peacock is reading the list of possible entrees for Mr. Grainger's anniversary dinner and voting on what to have for dinner]
Captain Peacock : Now, roast pheasant would be two pounds per head. Poule rôti...
Miss Brahms : You what?
Captain Peacock : Roast chicken. One pound fifty. Steak pie, one pound twenty five. Or macaroni cheese, one pound.
Mr. Lucas : I vote for macaroni cheese.
Mrs. Slocombe : [later] We can't give the poor old soul a dinner with macaroni cheese!
Mr. Lucas : Well he'd prefer it. Once he gets those teeth of his stuck into a pheasant, he'd be here all night.
Mr. Humphries : If we have the canteen steak pie, we'll all be here all night.
Miss Brahms : I'll go for the macaroni cheese, meself.
Mrs. Slocombe : Well, I think we should give him the chicken.
Captain Peacock : Any other votes for chicken?
Mr. Humphries : Yes, I'll go for chicken. It goes so well with the cabinet pudding and simulated cream.
Captain Peacock : Well, I... I favor chicken myself. So that's three votes for chicken, and two for macaroni cheese.
Mr. Humphries : And the steak pie loses its deposit.
Captain Peacock : So. ah... that means we have chicken. That will be ah... one pound fifty per head.
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Mr. Humphries : Mr. Grainger, whatever's the matter? You look as though you've seen a ghost.
Mr. Grainger : I... I heard the cuckoo in Mr. Rumbold's office.
Mr. Lucas : What, third of March? You'd better write a letter to The Times.
Mr. Grainger : It was a cuckoo clock!
Mr. Humphries : Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas : Glass of water coming up.
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Mr. Grainger : Yes, I would think a forty four. Wouldn't you Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries : Certainly, Mr. Grainger. A forty four. Don't you think so, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas : I hope so, we haven't got anything bigger.
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Mr. Grainger : Yes, err, this range is in pushcon, isn't it, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries : Right first time, Mr. Grainger. Thirty five percent wool, thirty five percent pushcon.
The Check Jacket : Well, that only makes seventy percent.
Mr. Humphries : Yes, well, there's a lot of air between the fibers, Sir. Allows the fabric to breathe. Isn't that right, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas : Quite right, Mr. Humphries. If you listen quietly, you can hear it, you know.
Mr. Humphries : Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas : We've got a whole cupboard full over there, panting for breath.
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Mr. Grainger : What do you think, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries : Well, it's err... nice and snug at the front.
Mr. Grainger : It's very snug indeed.
Mr. Humphries : Why don't you have a look at the back?
Mr. Lucas : Yes, I'm sure the back is snug as well.
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Captain Peacock : Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Humphries : Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock : Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Lucas : Err, yes, I think I am free at this precise moment, Captain Peacock.
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Mr. Lucas : Never mind, Shirley. You and me can share the wishbone.
Mr. Humphries : I know what you're going to wish for.
Miss Brahms : And even if he wins, he won't get it!
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Captain Peacock : Now, as regards to dress, I think, err, black tie.
Mr. Humphries : What? And nothing else?
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Mr. Humphries : [in deep voice] Menswear...
[to Mr. Grainger]
Mr. Humphries : Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Grainger : Yes, I'm free.
Mr. Humphries : You're wanted in Mr. Rumbold's office.
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Mrs. Slocombe : [drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks at though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic.
Captain Peacock : I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humphries : She wants you to rip her tight elastic.
[Mrs. Slocombe laughs]
Captain Peacock : Er, perhaps you'd better sit down, Mrs. Slocombe; we're starting in less than an hour...
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Mr. Grainger : [to Mrs. Grainger] They've got an orchestra. Mr. Fredericks didn't have an orchestra. Perhaps we'll be able to do the Gay Gordons.
Mr. Humphries : That should round the evening off nicely.
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Mr. Humphries : You know what they say about vodka, Mrs Slocombe? One's all right, two's the most, three, under the table, four, under the host.
Mrs. Slocombe : Ooh! Oh, Mr. Humphries, what will you say next?
Mr. Humphries : Mr. Rumbold's the host.
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Young Mr. Grace : You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock , Miss Brahms , Mrs. Slocombe , Mr. Humphries , Mr. Grainger , Mr. Lucas , Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold , Mr. Mash : Thank you, Mr. Grace.
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[last lines]
Captain Peacock , Mrs. Slocombe , Miss Brahms , Mr. Humphries , Mr. Lucas , Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold , Mr. Mash , Mrs. Grainger : For he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.