- Maebe: So, you killed Kitty, huh?
- Michael: No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.
- [whoops and hollers heard from the conference room]
- Michael: And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?
- Maebe: Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?
- [Barry has a hooker with him during "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"]
- Michael: I didn't know you had a daughter.
- Barry Zuckerkorn: I don't.
- Charlotte: I thought you wanted me to call you Daddy.
- Barry Zuckerkorn: Why don't you wait for Daddy in the car?
- Narrator: As a psychotherapist, Tobias was on the forefront of the self-esteem movement.
- Patient: I keep getting this longing. This urge... does that make me a...
- Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [interrupting] Homosexual...
- Tobias Fünke: Maebe, please. Although she's probably right though, you probably are a homosexual.
- Tobias Fünke: [after the Girls With Low Self Esteem video only shows the parts of GOB's magic act where he screws up] Douche chillllllllll...
- George Michael: I guess there are just some things you can't talk to your dad about, like... were you ever confused about women?
- Gob: ...You mean, if there were three of us, and I didn't know where to start? No, I think I did pretty good...
- Detective Fallows: Are you willing to take a polygraph?
- Barry Zuckerkorn: [Michael refers to his lawyer for advice, who whispers rather loudly] Are you nuts?
- Michael: [to the detective] Not without a better lawyer.
- George Michael: Say what you want about America - thirteen bucks can still get you a hell of a lot of mice!
- Gob: Who said anything bad about America?
- Michael: Hang on. Gob. You're not going to put that in. There's nudity on that. Maeby, why don't you go upstairs and get dressed.
- Tobias Fünke: I must warn you, Michael, she doesn't respond well to strict directives.
- Maebe: Alright.
- Tobias Fünke: That was odd.
- Michael: Not really. Kids love boundaries. I mean, look at these girls. Is this what you want?
- Tobias Fünke: Oh, God, no.
- Michael: This could be where your daughter is headed.
- Tobias Fünke: Oh, no, no, I don't want this for Maeby either.