Barney Miller (TV Series)
The Spy (1979)
Hal Linden: Capt. Barney Miller
Photos
Quotes
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Det. Ron Harris : You remember Bruno Bender, local merchant and community reactionary ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Welcome back Mr. Bender. Welcome back. Who's that ?
Det. Ron Harris : Just some clown we picked up .
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Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Warner, you want to have a seat?
Mitchell Warner : Twenty-two years with the company, and then one day it's "so long Boris"
Capt. Barney Miller : Sorry to hear that.
Mitchell Warner : Twenty-two years of blind loyalty, Pulling their dirty tricks, bribing foreign officials, toppling regimes... not so much a word of thanks.
Capt. Barney Miller : It's very ungrateful of them, Mr. Warner but what we're dealing with here is something as... as mundane as disorderly conduct.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Yeah, so, you want to have a seat ?
Mitchell Warner : They wouldn't even give me a letter of reference
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Bruno Bender : He was scaring customers away
Leslie Phillips : They were entranced
Bruno Bender : Well, no law says I got to let some freak do weird things in front of my store
Leslie Phillips : Mime is the oldest and purest of all art forms
Bruno Bender : Yeah, I got your art right here
Capt. Barney Miller : Okay, let's everybody relax. Just, take it easy, huh? Uh, Dietrich, Do you want to take Mr. Bender's statement ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Yeah, all right Mr. Bender ?
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Det. Ron Harris : Hey Barn, Do you really think he worked for the CIA ?
Capt. Barney Miller : That's what he says.
Det. Ron Harris : Must be bitter, resentful, huh ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Probably ?
Det. Ron Harris : Barn, the man's got expose written all over him
Capt. Barney Miller : Somehow, I had the feeling there was a literary phoenix arising from the ashes
Det. Ron Harris : A couple of other ex-agents wrote them, sold 200,000... 300,000 copies Barn. I mean, it could be book of the month, easy.
Capt. Barney Miller : If you'll excuse me, I will be in my office.
Det. Ron Harris : Yeah, I will keep you up to date.
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Capt. Barney Miller : How are we doing, Ms. Douglas ?
Felice Douglas : There are so many of these men, It's hard to understand.
Capt. Barney Miller : There is a lot of pent-up frustration in there.
Felice Douglas : If only it could be harnessed for peaceful use.
Capt. Barney Miller : Maybe someday.
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Bruno Bender : Hey, hey, wait a minute what about us.
Capt. Barney Miller : Gentlemen, I'm afraid there are still a couple of assault complaints outstanding, unless you two have reconciled
Bruno Bender : Well, look, if promises to stops weirding off in front of my store, it's going to be alright?
Leslie Phillips : Weirding off ? I'm an artist, and artists don't weird off.
Bruno Bender : Who needs it ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Now, Mr. Binder, whatever you think of Mr. Phillips, he does have the ability to draw a crowd and it appears to me, you can turn that to your advantage
Bruno Bender : Can I sue him ?
Leslie Phillips : I don't have no money . But, listen I really could help with your advertising at your store.
Bruno Bender : Oh yeah, sure !
Leslie Phillips : No, No, listen, really, really, I could mine different sporting goods when you have them on sale
Bruno Bender : Yeah
Leslie Phillips : Like... baseball... basketball... tennis... .
Bruno Bender : Let me see mace.
Capt. Barney Miller : Dietrich, I have a feeling Mr. Binder and Mr. Phillips will be leaving us, you want to get their valuables ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : I saw it coming .
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Officer Carl Levitt : Sir, they're ready for him at Bellevue.
Capt. Barney Miller : Why don't you run him over ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : I'll go with him Barn
Capt. Barney Miller : No, it's all right you got work to do here. Levitt can handle it.
Officer Carl Levitt : Thank you, sir. Okay, Warner let's go.
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Capt. Barney Miller : Call Bellevue, tell them you have a customer.
Det. Ron Harris : Yes, sir .
Det. Ron Harris : Well, that was a refreshing change of pace
Capt. Barney Miller : Let Dietrich out ?
Det. Ron Harris : This very minute.
Det. Ron Harris : Just a thought ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Here you go, Woj.
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Mitchell Warner : Now everybody stays exactly where they are.
Officer Carl Levitt : Back a little sooner than I expected
Mitchell Warner : All right, I want everyone to move over there.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Barney
Mitchell Warner : Come on , ma'am
Mitchell Warner : Get... You know, you were all very convincing, but your not playing with a kid.
Capt. Barney Miller : Yeah Woj, Oh my God .
Det. Ron Harris : There's been a new development
Capt. Barney Miller : I see
Mitchell Warner : Get over there with the others.
Capt. Barney Miller : Yeah sure. Heading over there. Where'd he get the weapon ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Levitt.
Officer Carl Levitt : See, we were going up the corridor and it was a little dark -- and then all of a sudden...
Mitchell Warner : Shut up !
Officer Carl Levitt : He's mad at me
Mitchell Warner : Shut up ! Now I would very much appreciate it... If everybody would put their weapons in there
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Warner
Mitchell Warner : Now
Capt. Barney Miller : Right now, the man said put the weapons here, gentlemen.
Mitchell Warner : All right, cut out the act.
Capt. Barney Miller : The act ?
Mitchell Warner : I've been with the company since 1955. I've been on a lot of operations, but never one like this. Wow ! Beautifully staged -- look at that --Beautifully rehearsed. I bought it. I bought it.
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Warner
Mitchell Warner : Tiny little precinct, Broken down furniture -- Incredibly authentic. A woman comes in complaining about a Flasher, you got Flashers. A couple of screwball citizens acting out an assault complaint. Wow. Don't you think I recognize a company operation when I see one?
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Warner, this is the 12th Precinct.New York City Police Departments and we are police officers. What you see is what you got.
Mitchell Warner : How come that your man is so anxious to find out whether I might be blowing some company secrets ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Sergeant Harris is a writer. His interest is...
Det. Ron Harris : Avarice, Pure Avarice.
Mitchell Warner : A writer? Written anything that I might know ?
Det. Ron Harris : Nothing in book form. But, I got some..
Mitchell Warner : Get out of there.
Det. Ron Harris : Look, I was... I was just going to show you... some rejection slips.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : He's telling the truth. He can't sell nothing.
Capt. Barney Miller : What is it you want Mr. Warner
Mitchell Warner : I want you to call them off .
Capt. Barney Miller : Call who off ?
Mitchell Warner : Call off the Company
Capt. Barney Miller : Company?
Capt. Barney Miller : Call them ?
Capt. Barney Miller : All right, Wojo, try calling the CIA.
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Mitchell Warner : Ah, This phone over here. Come on
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Take it easy
Mitchell Warner : Turn around. That's right. Sit down. Now dial.
Bruno Bender : The Ritz Brothers, didn't cold cream on their kissers to funny.
Mitchell Warner : Everybody stay right where you are.
Bruno Bender : What the hell is going on here ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Gentlemen, Mr Warner's is in charge, just do everything he says.
Mitchell Warner : Put your gun in the trash.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Sure, its an old gun
Mitchell Warner : Now you three, into the cage
Bruno Bender : Hey, you got no right to do this, I'm a veteran
Mitchell Warner : Inside
Bruno Bender : Hey, who sold him the gun, huh ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Will you get in the cage Binder?
Bruno Bender : Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hello... uh... spy department please ?... This is the New York Police Department... Sergeant Wojciehowicz
Capt. Barney Miller : Look, may I ?
Mitchell Warner : Please go ahead.
Capt. Barney Miller : Hello ? Uh... Hello ? Hello. This is Captain Miller of the New York Police Department... to whom am I speaking please... Well, I guess I don't have to know, but it's imperative that I speak to someone in the Clandestine Department. A very, very angry man with a gun, does that qualify as life or death... Thank you. I'll hold on... What a company, huh ?
Bruno Bender : If law-abiding citizen were allowed to arm, this wouldn't have happened?
Capt. Barney Miller : Hello ? This is the Clandestine Division... We got a problem
Mitchell Warner : Tell them the lid's off. Warner knows everything.
Capt. Barney Miller : The lid's off. Warner knows everything.
Mitchell Warner : They don't take their spooks away from me, I'm going to take myself down to the New York Times and spill my guts
Capt. Barney Miller : He wants you to halt the operation or he goes to the New York Times
Mitchell Warner : You don't jerk around with Mitchell Warner ! I wrote the book
Capt. Barney Miller : You don't jerk around with...
Mitchell Warner : Come here, give me that -- Hello ? What ?
Capt. Barney Miller : They hung up on me shortly after I said hello. You want honesty, you got honesty.
Mitchell Warner : You gave them a code word to initiate Plan 2?
Capt. Barney Miller : Come on, there is no Plan 2. There wasn't even a Plan 1? They hung up because they thought I was a crank and given the circumstances I was
Mitchell Warner : Is that so ?
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Capt. Barney Miller : Uh, Mrs. Douglas, you can leave anytime you want
Felice Douglas : I'm not finished, I like to finish what I start