Batman: The Animated Series (TV Series)

What Is Reality? (1992)

Kevin Conroy: Batman

Quotes 

• Batman : Where does a 500-pound gorilla sleep? What's worse than a millipede with sore feet? How do you fit five elephants into a car?

  Alfred Pennyworth : Wherever it wants, a giraffe with a sore throat, and two in the front seat, two in the back and one in the trunk.

• Batman : Looks like Edward Nygma's making a comeback.

  Commissioner Gordon : Hmm? Oh. Yeah, Nygma. He's deleting all his files from every police database we can access. Look. He's left no trace of any driver's license or Social Security number. No bank accounts, credit cards, not even a birth certificate.

  Batman : As if he never existed. But what about the hard copies of...

  Commissioner Gordon : [his phone rings]  Gordon here. What?

  [covering the mouthpiece] 

  Commissioner Gordon : Someone just delivered a crate downstairs with question marks painted on it. And it's ticking.

• Batman : [trying to solve the Riddler's puzzle involving four quarters and a penny]  Sense, red cents... copper.

  Alfred Pennyworth : 'Copper' is another term for policeman.

  Batman : Police, head

  [looks at the tops of the coins] 

  Batman : quarters.

  Alfred Pennyworth : And four quarters and one penny equal 101 cents.

  Batman : Police Headquarters, room #101.

• Robin : You mean that The Riddler is trapped in his own virtual reality ?

  Batman : Yes, and How to get him out? Perhaps a riddle that no one can solve.

• Robin : Batman, I think I figured out the clue. The plane where kings and queens contend could mean a chessboard. Is there a door marked "checkmate" or-or "black and white"?

  Batman : 4096. Wait a minute. There are 64 squares on a chessboard, right?

  Robin : Yeah. So?

  Batman : So, 4096 is 64 squared.

• Riddler : Only you can put the king in check, vigilante. Move according to the rules, or it's the end of the day.

  [Batman moves to escape from the chess pieces; stepping on a square, he falls through, but catches himself on the edge] 

  Riddler : Wrong move, Batman.

  [he pulls himself up and continues the pursuit] 

  Robin : I got it! They call you the Dark Knight, right? Then you have to move like a knight.

  [watching him move] 

  Robin : That's it. Two up, one across. 'Cause a wrong move means the end of the day, or...

  Batman : Knight fall. Of course.

• Riddler : Welcome to Riddlerville, Batman. Things are a little mixed up here, but I'm sure you can fix that. Your commissioner is contained within this cube. Solve the puzzle, and you gain access.

  Robin : No problemo, Batman. That's a Baxter's box. I can guide you through it in...

  [he screams as a loud buzzer rings in his ear] 

  Riddler : No coaching from the peanut gallery. You have one minute, Batman. Then the clock strikes two.

  Batman : If you can do it, so can I.

  [he turns his fists into mallet heads and begins smashing blocks away] 

  Riddler : I should've known you'd cheat.

• Batman : Brain teasers are the Riddler's M.O., not corny old jokes like these.

  Alfred Pennyworth : Perhaps the questions are the clues, not the answers. For example, they all seem to involve animals.

  Batman : Also numbers. A 500-pound gorilla, a millipede, meaning 1,000 legs, and five elephants. Now let's convert them to Roman numerals.

  [seeing the results] 

  Batman : Look!

  Alfred Pennyworth : D-M-V.

  Batman , Alfred Pennyworth : Department of Motor Vehicles.

  Alfred Pennyworth : But I recall you mentioning he'd already obliterated his records there, so why return?

  Batman : For the hard copy.

• Batman : Another riddle, Nygma?

  Riddler : [coins fall into the change return]  It all makes sense when you add it up.

• Batman : Virtual reality?

  Riddler : Quite so, Batman. And everything your commissioner is experiencing in here seems so real to him, it might as well be real. I'd give his heart about fifteen minutes, at most.

  Robin : He can't be online! I searched through every file!

  Riddler : You searched the software. Had you bothered to examine the hardware, you would have discovered a cordless modem line.

  [Batman moves to unplug it] 

  Riddler : I wouldn't do that, Batman. Disconnecting Gordon would be fatal. The sudden stop would be like slamming into a brick wall at 400 miles an hour. No, if you wish to get Gordon out alive, Batman, you'll have to come in here and get him.

• Robin : Looked like he suffered some kind of attack; like a sensory overload or something.

  Commissioner Gordon : But we'll never know for sure, 'cause we'll never find him.

  Batman : Oh, no? Come on. I think he left us a clue.

  [dissolve to them arriving at their destination] 

  Batman : "If the planet were equitable, I'd still have my old job."

  Robin : Of course. "If the world's fair, I'd still have my ex-position." Oh, give me a break.

• Riddler : Nice try, Batman, but in my world, you play by my rules.

  Batman : You may control this world, Nygma, but I still control myself.

  Riddler : The name is Riddler. Edward Nygma no longer exists. You might recall that he was once fired by an ungrateful employer. That was a private matter and should've remained one.

  Batman : Attempted homicide is never a private matter, Nygma.

  Riddler : But it would've been if you hadn't interfered and turned Nygma into a fugitive. So I deleted Nygma, just like I'm about to delete you, Batman.

• Robin : What we've got here is a variation on the ancient Chinese puzzle box.

  Batman : Can you solve it?

  Robin : You kidding? You're looking at the guy who solved the Baxter's box puzzle in 37 seconds. Of course, this time I don't have a sledgehammer.