- Jed Clampett: The way I got it figgered, when the golf comes out of his hole to get his eggs back, you shoot him.
- Jed Clampett: Accordin' to Mr. Drysdale, we're gonna be shootin' some game called golf.
- Daisy Moses: What in tarnation is a golf?
- Jed Clampett: Well, I don't rightly know, Granny, but they must be thicker 'n crows in a corn pasture around here cuz Mr. Drysdale says everybody in Beverly Hills shoots 'em.
- Daisy Moses: Ain't never seen no strange critters runnin' around. They must live in holes in the ground, like a gopher.
- Jed Clampett: Yeah, I reckon maybe you're right. Just the other day I heard him say he shot 9 holes of golf and got 57.
- Jethro Bodine: The only thing I know is that them rascals is sure hard to kill. After you shoot 'em, you gotta club 'em.
- Jethro Bodine: Jethro, I think you was right about those golfs bein' birds.
- Jethro Bodine: I was?
- Jed Clampett: Yeah, when I come out here, I seen some people take 2 little white eggs outta that hole over yonder.
- Jethro Bodine: Oh, here's somethin' else Mr. Drysdale sent over.
- [he opens a box of golf shoes with cleats]
- Jed Clampett: By doggies, Jethro, them golfs must be the toughest little critters there is. First you shoot 'em, then you club 'em, then you stomp 'em with spikes.
- Elly May Clampett: That ain't all. Miss Jane says to me she says, "When your Pa and Jethro go out to shoot, tell 'em to watch out for the traps."
- Jed Clampett: Traps too? Oooh I can't wait to tangle with one of them golfs.
- Buzzie Bavasi: He can't throw anything that isn't smeared with possum fat.
- Leo Durocher: Look Buzzy, maybe we can get the commissioner to legalize the Possum ball.
- Daisy Moses: Elly May can outthrow anybody.
- Jethro Bodine: Oh yes sir, she's got plenty of stuff.
- Leo Durocher: Yeah, we could never hide it under a Dodger uniform.
- Daisy Moses: Would you like a golf egg?
- Leo Durocher: A what?
- Daisy Moses: A boiled golf egg. Boiling 'em made 'em kind of rubbery and that yolk is black as coal. Maybe put a lot of salt on it, that'll fix 'em up.