Blackadder II (TV Series)
Beer (1986)
Rowan Atkinson: Edmund Blackadder
Photos
Quotes
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[Edmund is trying to impress his puritan relatives]
Blackadder : This is a house of simple purity.
Monk : [Runs in and vomits in fireplace] Great booze-up, Edmund.
Lady Whiteadder : Do you know that man?
Blackadder : No.
Lady Whiteadder : He called you Edmund
Blackadder : Oh, know him? Yes, I do.
Lady Whiteadder : Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?
Blackadder : [very long pause] Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken because as you've heard, Great Boo's up.
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Blackadder : Which reminds me, Auntie...
Lady Whiteadder : Don't call me "Auntie." Aunt is a relative and relatives are evidence of sex. Which is hardly a fitting conversation for the dinner table.
Blackadder : Or indeed, any table.
Lord Percy : Except perhaps a table in a brothel.
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Simon Partridge : [as Queen Elizabeth emerges from the closet] Whoa, another stripper.
Geoffrey Piddle : [as Lord Whiteadder also appears] And a male stripper!
Monk : Oh yes, this is much more like it!
[removes The Queen's cloak, revealing her identity]
Simon Partridge : And she's come dressed as the queen.
Geoffrey Piddle : Sexy!
Queen Elizabeth : [indignant] Do you know who I am?
Blackadder : [entering] Yes. I know who you are.
Geoffrey Piddle : Who?
Blackadder : You're Merlin, the Happy Pig.
Queen Elizabeth : Wrong, I'm afraid. I am the Queen of England.
[they all kneel]
Queen Elizabeth : I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman. But I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant.
Simon Partridge : Prove it!
Queen Elizabeth : [playfully] Certainly will.
[picks up a large mug of beer]
Queen Elizabeth : First I'm going to have a little drinkie, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you.
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Blackadder : Baldrick! Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?
Baldrick : To catch mice my lord. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.
Blackadder : And do they?
Baldrick : Not yet my lord.
Blackadder : That's right, your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom.
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Blackadder : Baldrick, get the door.
[there is a crash and Baldrick enters with the door]
Blackadder : Now, Baldrick, I advise you to make whatever explanation you are about to give exceptionally good.
Baldrick : You said get the door.
Blackadder : Not good enough, you're fired.
Baldrick : But, my Lord, I've been in your family since 1532.
Blackadder : So has syphilis. Now get out.
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[Elizabeth has coerced Blackadder into having a drinking party that night. He is trying to get it postponed a day because his rich Puritan relatives will be visiting]
Queen Elizabeth : I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
Blackadder : Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!
Queen Elizabeth : Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.
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Blackadder : [Addressing drunken party guests] Look, do you lot want to hear about this goblin or not?
[Chorus of "yes" from guests]
Blackadder : Right, well, perhaps this time I might be allowed to continue and perhaps finish, with any luck.
Lady Whiteadder : "Luck"? Hey hey, get it?
[Chorus of "no" from guests]
Lady Whiteadder : Oh, come on! "Luck." Sounds almost exactly like f...
[scene cuts to closing credits]
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Lady Whiteadder : Chairs! You have chairs in your House?
Blackadder : Yes, well...
[she slaps him twice]
Lady Whiteadder : Wicked Child! Chairs are the work of Belezabub! At our house Nathaneal sits on a spike!
Blackadder : And yourself?
Lady Whiteadder : I sit on Nathaneal! Two spikes would be an extravagance.
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Blackadder : They have one great redeeming feature: their wallets. More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on.
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Blackadder : So, Baldrick, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, I want you to pass me water. Understand?
Baldrick : Yes, m'lord. When you ask for ale, I pass water.
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Blackadder : Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Lord Percy : Yes, I heard that.
Blackadder : Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.
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Blackadder : I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say inheritance? I meant journey.
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Blackadder : Uggh, the devil farts in my face once again...
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Blackadder : Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Lord Percy : Yes, I've heard that.
Blackadder : Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.
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Queen Elizabeth : [Elizabeth has coerced Blackadder into having a drinking party that night. He is trying to get it postponed a day because his rich Puritan relatives will be visiting] I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
Blackadder : [Stands in resigned frustration] Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!
Queen Elizabeth : [Smiling and flirtatiously] Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.
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Blackadder : A little drink?
Lady Whiteadder : Wicked child! Drink is urine from the last leper in Hell!