Quotes
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Richie : It's a very dignified thing being a shopkeeper, don't you think? You know, there's power, integrity, snazzy coat...
[he opens the flap in the counter to go through, it crushes the Hula Hoops that Eddie has just poured out for himself]
Richie : [walks around the shop, talking to imaginary customers] Yeah. Yeah. "Morning." "Morning." "Morning, your Lordship. Oh yes, plenty of gravy mix, you help yourself. I'll just put it on the slate."
[he wink upwards at the imaginary Lord. Then he imagines catching a young shoplifter]
Richie : Oi! What do you think you're doing? Shoplifting, eh, sonny? Eh? Eh? Eh? What's the matter, haven't you got enough money? So you thought you'd
[mimes hitting the kid]
Richie : take - it - out - on - me, just because I earn so much... money?
[he gets carried away and rips the kid's head off, then realises what he's done]
Richie : [mimes blood coming out of the kid's headless body] Spurt! Spurt! Spurt!
[he sticks the head back on and smiles at the kid]
Richie : Only kidding, little kiddie. Go on, take your Jaffa Cakes and run along. Go on, off you go. Oh, God, why did you make me so nice? Has he gone? Right.
[mimes pulling out a mobile phone. He makes beeping noises as he dials it]
Richie : Hello, police? I want to report a theft. Yeah, it was little Johnny Cartwright from the flats. Nail the sucker, bust his ass! Yeah, I want him doing twenty to ten in the pen! What d'you mean, no evidence? What about the goddamn Jaffa Cakes, asswipe! Yeah? Bullshit! Bull-shit! Yeah, well, I'm gonna get Mayor Dooley to...
[suddenly notices a little old lady who's entered the shop, staring at him]
Old Lady : What's the matter? Are you mad?
Richie : [looks awkward, then clenches his fist at her] Do you want some of this? Do you? 'Cause you're gonna get it, you old git! You're gonna get a right load of this right up your bracket! Right load of this, right in your face!
[he chases the now terrified old lady out of the shop]
Richie : That's right, run, go on! Just like you did at Goose Green! Argie!
[he spots a passer-by across the street, he gives them a smarmy smile and wave]
Richie : Morning.
