Photos
Quotes
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Richie : Ahh, what a lovely day! God, I love Sundays. Sunday papers, stroll in the park, church, and back home for a nice big joint of good old English beef. Strawberries and cream, a spot of tennis, and a smile in the heart of every true Englishman.
[calls down from the window to someone passing by]
Richie : Morning Vicar, lovely day!
[his smile drops, evidently the vicar is giving him a rude response]
Richie : Charming. Somebody got out of bed the wrong side this morning. Mind you, he got out of the womb the wrong side.
[shouts down from the window]
Richie : And the same to you with brass knobs on, you steaming great twat!
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Richie : Er, Mr. Harrison, have you got a sort of white coat or something so that everyone knows that *I'm* the shopkeeper?
Mr. Harrison : Yeah, hang on, I'll get you one. Here you are, and here's one for you, Eddie.
Richie : Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no-no, no. Haven't you got a sort of brown one for him?
Mr. Harrison : No, of course I haven't!
Richie : Or what about a little badge or something that just says "Assistant"?
Mr. Harrison : What are you talking about? Look, I'm in a hurry!
Richie : All right, all right. Well, look Eddie, you'll just have to... put your jacket on back to front or something.
Eddie : Piss off.
Richie : Oh, don't kick up a stink, Eddie, I know what I'm doing. It's nothing personal, it's just that there is a sort of "Upstairs, Downstairs" thing to any shopping experience, which the shopper needs to feel reassured about.
Eddie : [taking his jacket off and puts it on back to front] All right.
Richie : There! Now everybody knows who everybody is.
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Richie : It's a very dignified thing being a shopkeeper, don't you think? You know, there's power, integrity, snazzy coat...
[he opens the flap in the counter to go through, it crushes the Hula Hoops that Eddie has just poured out for himself]
Richie : [walks around the shop, talking to imaginary customers] Yeah. Yeah. "Morning." "Morning." "Morning, your Lordship. Oh yes, plenty of gravy mix, you help yourself. I'll just put it on the slate."
[he wink upwards at the imaginary Lord. Then he imagines catching a young shoplifter]
Richie : Oi! What do you think you're doing? Shoplifting, eh, sonny? Eh? Eh? Eh? What's the matter, haven't you got enough money? So you thought you'd
[mimes hitting the kid]
Richie : take - it - out - on - me, just because I earn so much... money?
[he gets carried away and rips the kid's head off, then realises what he's done]
Richie : [mimes blood coming out of the kid's headless body] Spurt! Spurt! Spurt!
[he sticks the head back on and smiles at the kid]
Richie : Only kidding, little kiddie. Go on, take your Jaffa Cakes and run along. Go on, off you go. Oh, God, why did you make me so nice? Has he gone? Right.
[mimes pulling out a mobile phone. He makes beeping noises as he dials it]
Richie : Hello, police? I want to report a theft. Yeah, it was little Johnny Cartwright from the flats. Nail the sucker, bust his ass! Yeah, I want him doing twenty to ten in the pen! What d'you mean, no evidence? What about the goddamn Jaffa Cakes, asswipe! Yeah? Bullshit! Bull-shit! Yeah, well, I'm gonna get Mayor Dooley to...
[suddenly notices a little old lady who's entered the shop, staring at him]
Old Lady : What's the matter? Are you mad?
Richie : [looks awkward, then clenches his fist at her] Do you want some of this? Do you? 'Cause you're gonna get it, you old git! You're gonna get a right load of this right up your bracket! Right load of this, right in your face!
[he chases the now terrified old lady out of the shop]
Richie : That's right, run, go on! Just like you did at Goose Green! Argie!
[he spots a passer-by across the street, he gives them a smarmy smile and wave]
Richie : Morning.
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Richie : We're a nation of shopkeepers, you know.
[grunting pompously]
Richie : Oh, yeah, hm, hm, hm.
[he lifts the counter flap, it crushes Eddie's Hula Hoops again]
Richie : That's what makes us so great, you know. They don't call it "Great Luxembourg", do they? Hm! Or "Great France"?
Eddie : What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?
Richie : What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?
Eddie : Yeah, what's so great about it?
Richie : Well, it makes us superior to everyone else. Because we know how to run a corner shop. Good grief, Eddie, it only takes an ounce of brainpower to see that.
Eddie : Well, that should suit you perfectly then.
Richie : How do you mean? I don't understand that.
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Richie : And a very good morning to you, sir, and how may I be of assistance to you on this merry day?
Doctor : And good morning to you. Now, assistant, what I'd like this fine morning...
Richie : Excuse me, hang on, hang on, d-d-d-d-d-djhh! Let's just get one thing clear, shall we? I am not an assistant. I am a shopkeeper.
Doctor : Is there a difference?
Richie : "Is there a difference"! I've got a white coat on and he's got his jacket on back to front! And that's just the tip of the iceberg mate! So let's show a bit of respect, shall we? What would you like?
Doctor : Uh, that champagne, please.
[Richie looks up at the shelf behind him then looks back at the middle-aged man in front of him]
Richie : Hm? Are you 18?
Doctor : No, I'm 54.
[Eddie slams the bottle of champagne down on the counter]
Doctor : I want three bottles.
Eddie : What, are you an alcoholic?
Doctor : It's my daughter's birthday!
Richie : Ooh, it's his daughter's birthday, so he's going to drink three bottles of champagne! Well, there's modern parenthood for you!
[Eddie slams the other two bottles down on the counter]
Richie : What do you think you're doing with that?
Doctor : This is a chequebook.
Richie : But this card only guarantees you for £50, and I'm afraid these items cost more than £50. So I'm terribly sorry, you're going to have to...
[Eddie opens the till, the drawer hits Richie in the groin and he falls to the floor]
Eddie : A cheque will do nicely, just make it out to Eddie Hitler.
Doctor : [chuckles] Hitler. Any relation?
Eddie : Yes!
Richie : [gets up] So this is you, is it? This sort of squiggle is you. And what do you do for a living, are you some sort of modern artist, are you?
Doctor : I am a doctor. Now, bugger... orf!
Richie : [following the doctor as he leaves the shop] Ooh, that's witty, isn't it? Took you five years of medical school to learn that one, did it? On my money, let's not forget that! Bloody students! You're all the same. I don't know why you don't just go and live in Russia! Go on, get out of my shop! Go on, bugger out of it! Go on, on your bicycle! Good grief, Eddie, sometimes I think there's only you and me left.
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Eddie : Why are you putting mayonnaise on your face?
Richie : It's not mayonnaise, it's sun tan lotion.
Eddie : Never heard of low calorie sun tan lotion.
Richie : What? Oh no, blast! Oh God!
[wipes his face with a towel and splutters]
Richie : Well, where's the sun tan lotion then?
Eddie : You squirted that into your cheese roll.
Richie : But I ate that!
Eddie : [giggles] Yeah, I know!
Richie : Well, why didn't you tell me?
Eddie : Because I don't like you very much.
Richie : [sniggers and points at Eddie] Now I know you're joking me! Ha ha!
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Richie : I should have been a farmer, you know. I really am an earth child. I know the deep movement.
Eddie : Only deep movement you know is when you've had a curry.
Richie : I am part Red Indian, you know.
Eddie : That'll be the curry again.
Richie : No, I am. Cherokee. Do you know, I can even tell when it's going to rain.
Eddie : How do you do that?
Richie : Well, I sort of look up, mystically, you know... check out the sky. If I see any black clouds, "That's it", I think, "rain".
Eddie : What was your Red Indian name then? Running Mouth? Sitting Down? Talking Bollocks?
Richie : Dances with the Wind.
Eddie : That'll be the curry again.
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[both watching a rented video]
Richie : It's not very sexy, is it?
Eddie : No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
Richie : I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?
Eddie : "Big Jugs"
[laughs]
Richie : "Big Jugs"! All right!
[reads box]
Richie : "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?
Eddie : Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".
Richie : Yabba-dabba-doo!
[reads]
Richie : No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."
Eddie : Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!
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[Mr. Harrison has asked Richie and Eddie to run his shop for him while he goes to his mother's funeral]
Mr. Harrison : I've got to be in Penge by noon. Come on, I'll show you the ropes.
Richie : Ah, no no, I don't do lifting. You'll have to show Eddie the ropes. Show me the till.
Eddie : No, no, no, no! Show me the drinks cabinet and the sign that says "Closed"!
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Richie : I don't think that, as a Christian, I could look myself in the face whilst watching a dirty video. I mean, it's Sunday for Christ's sake, I mean for Heaven's, I mean for goodness sake. And are the masses all in church praising the Lord's name? No, they're all down the vid shop, trying to get their hands on "Pervy Nights in Bangkok"! I mean, it's ironic, isn't it? There's plenty of wailing and gnashing of teeth going on, but it's not happening in church!
Eddie : Well, when did you last go to church?
Richie : Well, I don't have to go, I'm Church of England.
