- [about to surrender to the burglars]
- Richie: No no, they might beat us up.
- Eddie: What and cut our bodies into a thousand different pieces?
- Richie: And skin us alive.
- Eddie: And then... put on our skins.
- Richie: And do foul depraved love-making to our still twitching corpses.
- Eddie: And eat our livers.
- Richie: And drink our blood! And play cricket with our hearts!
- Eddie: Yeah... using our love truncheons as wickets!
- Richie: And then do weird sort of pagan dancing flapping our skins about the room, and smearing naked girlies' breasts with our throbbing disintegrating brains!
- Eddie: [pause] It's not much of an option really, is it?
- Eddie: [Interrogating the burglar] So... you see Emmerdale Farm last night?
- Richie: Eddie, Eddie, a word.
- Eddie: Excuse me.
- [Goes over to Richie]
- Richie: It's the wrong line of questioning.
- Eddie: What, you think he's more of a Brookside kind of man?
- Richie: No! God, you're an embarrassment! You're a real embarrassment! Here I'm trying make us look really hard and cool. And you're making us look like a couple ridiculous, git-faced, scaredy-cat turnips!
- Eddie: But that's what we are!
- Richie: [Eddie has come late and very drunk] What time do you call this?
- Eddie: [Checks his watch wrapped round his shin] Er... half past one.
- Richie: Where have you been?
- Eddie: I've been to a car-swapping party.
- Richie: A car swapping party?
- Eddie: Yeah, it's great. All the men stand in a circle and throw their wives in the middle. Then you pick the one you want and she escorts you to your car.
- Richie: But Eddie, you're not married.
- Eddie: I know that's why I come home on the bus.It's parked outside.
- Richie: [the boys want to take off with the burglar's loot, but realize he's still held in the flat] We'll have to get rid of him somehow.
- Eddie: Well, no-one knows he's here. We could kill him.
- Richie: [Shocked reactions from Richie and burglar] Excuse us a moment, Eddie , a word?
- [Takes Eddie into the kitchen and draws the curtain]
- Richie: What did you just say?
- Eddie: Well, he's outside the law isn't he? I mean, he made the decision.
- Richie: Eddie, are you seriously suggesting we kill this poor, defenseless burglar without any trial or anything, just we can live the high life in the Bahamas?
- Eddie: Yep.
- Richie: It's a bloody good idea! How should we do it? I mean, how will you do it?
- Eddie: Well, I think we should give him the old fish fingers. They've been in there for months, they're absolutely lethal.
- Richie: No, no good, we had them last Thursday.
- Eddie: Did we? I wondered why I lost three stone last week.
- Richie: Oh, that was you was it, I've been trying to flush that thing for three days!
- Richie: [the boys wake up tied to chairs, in their underwear] Eddie, what's happening? Where have all my clothes gone? This is outrageous! You can see my underpants!
- [Noticing mousetraps at their groins]
- Richie: Where have these mousetraps come from? Eddie, stay still, don't move a muscle!
- Eddie: Hang on, there's a little note sellotaped to my knee.
- Richie: What does it say?
- Eddie: Errr... Sue Carpenter.
- [They growl lecherously]
- Richie: [Realizing] Oh no!
- [the traps shut on them]
- Richie: Eddie, how did you get this drunk on £1.75?
- Eddie: There's a sale on at the chemists.
- Richie: What do you mean?
- Eddie: Old Spice. 25p a bottle.
- [He preps a punch for Richie, swipes in the wrong direction and collapses]
- Eddie: Where'd the floor go?
- Richie: Oh lordy, lordy, every single night. Still, I shouldn't complain, he's only ever been drunk once. Trouble is it's lasted seventeen years, so far.
- Richie: I think there's someone in the drawing room.
- Eddie: The what room?
- Richie: The drawing room!
- Eddie: I don't think I've been in there. What, you mean we've got a room just for drawing in?
- Richie: God, you're so common, aren't you? What do you call it, the snug or the saloon or something?
- Eddie: Oh, the lounge!
- Richie: Yes, that's it, the lounge! There's someone down in the lounge!
- Eddie: Right, that's that sorted out then. I'm off back to bed.
- Richie: [Stopping Eddie] No, Eddie, no!
- [More noises from downstairs]
- Richie: Oh my god! What are we gonna do?
- Eddie: What about?
- Richie: The burglars!
- Eddie: You mean we've got burglars, downstairs, in the sketching room?
- Richie: [Interrogating the burglar] Alright. Alright, buster, I want some answers and I want 'em damn quick. But obviously not so fast so that I can't understand what you're saying, okay?
- Eddie: Richie.
- [Richie goes over to Eddie]
- Eddie: Shall I make him sweat, chief?
- Richie: How do you mean?
- Eddie: You know, stick an overcoat on him, bung a hot water bottle down his trousers.
- Richie: No, Eddie, that's not the way, we gotta break him psychologically. Watch this.
- [He goes over to the burglar and doesn't know what to say, he returns to Eddie's side]
- Richie: Damn, damn! What do you actually have to say?
- Eddie: Oh no, you don't say anything, you just slap 'em about a bit.
- Richie: Oh good, right, hey, did you train for this sort of work?
- Eddie: No, but my uncle used to work in a prison.
- Richie: Oh, what did he do?
- Eddie: Oh, peeled potatoes, sowed mailbags, anything they told him to really.
- Richie: Right, good, slap him about a bit. Hey, do I look good? Cause I feel great!
- Eddie: [Jones clears his throat near Eddie] Good evening, Officer.
- P.C.V. Jones: Are you alright, sir? You seem to have a pencil up your nose.
- Eddie: Oh yes, I've been sleep doodling. I'm very bad at it.
- P.C.V. Jones: You realize this paper's upside down, sir?
- Eddie: So are my eyes.
- [Moves eyeballs]
- P.C.V. Jones: Hmmm.
- [Looks out of conservatory window, where the second burglar leans back out of sight. Jones goes back in]
- P.C.V. Jones: Did you buy this conservatory in Beirut, sir?
- Richie: Oh great heavens, Eddie! We've been sleep glazing again!
- Eddie: Oh bugger!
- Eddie: God, it's always the same with you, isn't it? We come up against a problem and what do you do, you find a simple, sensible solution and everything's okey-dokey. I get one little chance in my whole lifetime to look a bit sexy! To look a bit like Clint Eastwood! By the way, I don't want to be called Eddie anymore, I wanna be called, Dirty Eddie. So out of the way, punk, while a shoot off the lock!
- Richie: Look, Eddie, do you want to be skinned alive and buggered?
- Eddie: [Draws his gun at him] I'd like to see you try!
- Richie: I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about the burglars. You fire that gun, they'll hear you. Come on, we'll just take the key and unlock the door.
- [Steps on nothing]
- Richie: Where's the ladder gone?
- Eddie: The police confiscated it remember? When the nurses moved in next door.