Bottom (TV Series)

Parade (1992)

Adrian Edmondson: Eddie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Richie : Come on Eddie, I've got a brilliant idea! Into the lavs!

  [they go into the toilets] 

  Eddie : Okay, what's the brilliant idea?

  Richie : PANIC! ARGGH! ARGGH ARGGH!

• Eddie : So, er, what did you do then?

  Falklands War Vet : Well, I'd rather not talk about it.

  Eddie : Why? Is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you?

  Falklands War Vet : Quite the opposite, actually.

  Eddie : What, you sucked water in through your eyes?

• Pawnbroker : Oh, there's a nice little piece of object d'art! Must be worth at least two an' a half grand... I'll give yer £1.50 for it!

  Eddie : Uhh... let's haggle.

  Pawnbroker : OK, a quid.

  Eddie : No, let's haggle upwards.

  Pawnbroker : OK, 50p!

  Eddie : God, they don't call you Harry The Bastard for nothing, do they?

  Pawnbroker : No. They call me Ted.

• Eddie : My Uncle Percy used to be in the trenches in the First World War. You know what he used to say?

  Richie : What?

  Eddie : ARGH! BLOODY HELL, GERMANS! THOUSANDS OF THEM! AND THEY'RE ALL GONNA SHOOT ME! ARGH! HELP ME! I WANNA GO HOME! ARGH! ARGH! AARRGH! AARRGH!

• [Drunken man enters the bar, singing, he trips, and falls down] 

  Richie : That's Tight-mouthed Larry, the bookmaker!

  [Larry is heard vomiting on the floor] 

  Eddie : He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he?

• Richard 'Richie' Richard : [Richie is urinating, Eddie is laughing at his genital size]  Alright, alright, you'd be laughing on the other side of your face if you were in my shoes.

  Eddie : No, I wouldn't, I'd have very wet feet if I was in your shoes.

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : What?

  [Looks down] 

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Oh damn! Oh who cares? We'll be living in fur-lined, lizard skin thigh boots from here on in if my plan comes to fruition. Now let's go over it again.

  [Turns to Eddie still urinating] 

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Oh sorry, sorry! Now this is the plan, OK? We take off his leg, we take it down the pawn shop, put all the money on the horse, win, redeem the leg and put it back on. He'll never know! What could possibly go wrong? Especially with a horse like Sad Ken!

  Eddie : You're right!

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Okey-dokey, I'll distract his attention, you swipe the leg.

  Eddie : Righty-dokey, matey bloke, flap, old salty sea-dog amigo, skip jack, jock strap, piano tuner! Let's see you balls this one up!

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Right-o!

• Eddie : How much for this carved wooden leg?

  Ted Nugent : Now there's a nice bit of objet d'art, must be worth at least two and a half grand. I'll give you £1.50 for it.

  Eddie : Let's haggle.

  Ted Nugent : Alright, a quid.

  Eddie : No, let's haggle upwards.

  Ted Nugent : Alright, 50p!

  Eddie : Blimey, they don't call you Harry the Bastard for nothing, do they?

  Ted Nugent : No, they call me Ted!

  Eddie : Well listen, Ted. I've still got a photograph of you, a Chippendale and an industrial sized drum of Swarfega.

  Ted Nugent : Have you?

  Eddie : Uh-huh.

  Ted Nugent : Then I'll give £500 for the leg, now bugger off!

• Chief Inspector Grobbelaar : Happy with the line up, gentlemen?

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Not really, you know that it's us, don't you? We don't stand a chance.

  Chief Inspector Grobbelaar : That's the beauty of it, sir.

  Richard 'Richie' Richard : Well, don't we get a make-up artist or something? Or some time to grow a moustache, or have a sex change?

  Eddie : I demand to see a lawyer! Preferably a female, nudie one.