Photos
Quotes
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Richie : [Opening scene, the duo enter the front door] Yes, what happened there? I made all the right moves, I winked, I smiled, one of my nice ones as well. I put on my special eyes, leant forward very nicely and said "Hello, big tits, looking for some action?"
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Eddie : I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm... well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers.
Richie : Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Woohoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?"
Eddie : I got a result!
Richie : I don't call a kick in the knackers a result.
Eddie : A free drink!
Richie : Oh yes, a kick in the knackers and a vodka and tonic in the face.
Eddie : Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.
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Richie : Let's just be economical with the truth, errrm, something, buck, yeah hot young buck.
Eddie : What about badger?
Richie : No, no I'm more a sort of...
Eddie : HEDGHOG!
Richie : No fox! That's good, no that is good.
Eddie : Stoat!
Richie : Foxy Stoat? Yeah! It's gotta a ring to it... foxy stoat seeks...
Eddie : Pig!
Richie : Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! Oh Shut up Eddie!
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Richie : [Reading the newspaper] What this? "Instant sex appeal, you can get it in a bottle!"
[a drunken Eddie looks over his shoulder and falls to the floor]
Richie : "Pheromone sex scent. Women cannot resist this powerful love smell, scientifically distilled from mystical African orchids." Wow! Oh look, it's medically proven. "This stuff attracts women like you would not believe!" - Karachi Medical Gazette. "Available at all good sex shops." This is it, Eddie. Girl City, here we come! What do you think, old chum?
[Eddie vomits on his shoulder and the frying pan full of oil ignites]
Richie : Nil desperandum!
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Richie : Why doesn't anyone want to have any sex with me?
Eddie : Well look on the bright side, Richie, at least you're not gonna get any sexually transmitted diseases.
Richie : You're right there, I'll be lucky to catch flu off a girl! In fact, that was the nearest I got to sex when that bus conductress sneezed all over my head this morning. Talk about the green line! Oh Eddie, I'm just so depressed.
Eddie : Oh cheer up, Richie, there's loads and loads of ugly birds in the world, one of them's bound to so it with you sooner or later.
Richie : But there must be some way I can get a woman to sleep with me. I mean she doesn't even have to sleep with me, it's the staying awake bit I'm interested in.
Eddie : Hey, I've just had a fantastic idea!
Richie : Oh great!
[Eddie finishes his pint]
Richie : Well?
Eddie : What?
Richie : What was the fantastic idea?
Eddie : To drink that!
[Richie tuts]
Eddie : Only joking. Why not put an ad in a lonely hearts column?
Richie : Yeah!
Eddie : Yeah, "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description."
