- Randal Graves: Okay, your total comes to 37 cents.
- Old Lady: I have a coupon.
- [She shows Randal a 50% off coupon]
- Randal Graves: 19 cents.
- Leonardo Leonardo: I want to offer you a job working here - for me. I want you lock, stock, and barrel.
- Randal Graves: Is this some sort of gay thing?
- Leonardo Leonardo: No.
- Randal Graves: You're sure?
- Leonardo Leonardo: Yyyyyyyyyyyes.
- Leonardo Leonardo: For far too long, the Quick Stop has been a home for rampant overcharging and poorly educated, rude clerks...
- Dante Hicks: You don't suppose he's talking about us?
- Randal Graves: Naw.
- Leonardo Leonardo: ...with names like Dante and Handal...
- Randal Graves: RANDAL!
- Jay: Listen up! Me and Silent Bob would just like to announce that we quit.
- Randal Graves: You don't work here.
- Jay: Not any more we don't! We'll now be hanging out in front of the Quicker Stop across the street.
- [they walk over to the Quicker Stop]
- Jay: We'll be over here if anyone comes looking for us.
- Dante Hicks: Ok.
- Randal Graves: Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?
- Reporter: [on TV] "Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?" It is a question asked by the poorly educated, whose fingers lie far from the pulse of this little community.
- Randal Graves: *You're* poorly educated.
- Dante Hicks: You're talking to the television.
- [recurring joke]
- [Dante and Randal are walking up a wall in the style of the Old Batman TV Show]
- Randal Graves: We're almost there.
- [potted plant shatters on the surface they're walking on]
- Dante Hicks: Why are we walking like this?
- [camera turns to reveal they are not walking up, but from right to left]
- Man: Hello? Are you open?
- Randal Graves: [unseen] Is it safe?
- Man: Yes, it's safe. It's very safe.
- Randal Graves: Is it safe?
- Man: Look, this isn't funny. I just want to buy some smokes.
- Randal Graves: Is it safe?
- Dante Hicks: [unseen, impersonating Buffalo Bill] It puts the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket.
- Randal Graves: Shut up man! Is it safe? Is it safe?
- Man: [crying] I just want to buy some smokes, I just want some smokes!
- Randal Graves: [pause] Is it safe?
- Man: [screams and runs out of the store]
- Randal Graves: [standing up from behind counter] Thirty seconds. You owe me five bucks.
- Dante Hicks: [also standing] But I don't have five bucks.
- Randal Graves: Just take it out of the register.
- Man: [screams and runs by outside store, now on fire]
- Randal Graves: Boss says he's shutting the store permanently, the video store too.
- Dante Hicks: Why?
- Randal Graves: I have no idea, but I have a plan.
- [a banner says "Pay As You Exit"]
- Dante Hicks: This is your plan? 'Pay As You Exit'? Isn't that what the customers were doing already?
- Randal Graves: Kind of. I guess. Shut up!
- Leonardo Leonardo: [On intercom] Welcome to Quicker Stop, home of both convenience and quality only, quicker. Plus a selection of high end adult magazines.
- Leonardo Leonardo: While you're here, shop at our best seller department complete with its own coffee bar.
- Leonardo Leonardo: Or drop by our music shop also with its own coffee bar.
- Leonardo Leonardo: Or perhaps you'd rather visit our international coffee bar complete with its own little book department which has its own super teeny tiny coffee bar inside. And a selection of tiny adult magazines.
- Leonardo Leonardo: And finally, as you enter the hall of mirrors, you might notice, you're not alone. For you see, I'm shopping with you.
- Customer: The dead live!
- [the customer freaks out and runs out of the store]
- Customer: [the customer runs back inside to purchase groceries, then runs back out]
- [the customer runs back in to pay for groceries, and runs back out again]
- Cashier: Sir, your change.
- [the customer returns for his change, and runs out with his groceries]
- Leonardo Leonardo: Phase one complete.
- Randal Graves: I'll bet he never ordered the dome.
- Dante Hicks: You know, he offered us college.
- Randal Graves: Are you kidding? I haven't seen anything more clearer in my life. Leonardo Leonardo must be destroyed.
- Leonardo Leonardo: [In a room away from Dante and Randal] I can hear you, you know!
- Randal Graves: It was Dante!
- Man: My god! Leonardo Leonardo is a monster! He must be stopped!
- Dante Hicks: Do you even live here?
- Man: [while walking out] No! I live in New York! I was on my way to the beach and I stopped to use the restroom!
- Plug: Sir, we've just received this report. Apparently, the Quick Stop is still in business.
- Leonardo Leonardo: I see... bring this Quick Stop to me.
- Plug: Sir, it's a store.
- Leonardo Leonardo: BRING IT!
- Plug: Okay... how about I just bring you the two kids that run it instead?
- Leonardo Leonardo: Very well... for now!
- Randal Graves: What's a Humanitus?
- Dante Hicks: It's an award for TV shows that don't use words lke "retarded".
- Randal Graves: That's retarded. And queer.
- Leonardo Leonardo: My vengeance will be neither swift nor entertaining! I will mete it out over decades, so that you will wonder if the misery in your life is manifest, the machinations of Leonardo Leonardo, or... some third thing. Good day!
- Jay: Hi, I'm Jay.
- Silent Bob: And I'm Silent Bob.
- Charles Barkley: And I'm Charles Barkley.
- Jay: What the hell are you doing here?
- Narrator: The following television show is entirely fictitious. Any similarities to the history of any person, living or dead, or any actual events is entirely coincidental and unintentional. Except where specifically noted otherwise in the cast and crew credits, all celebrity voices are impersonated and no celebrities have endorsed any aspect of this show. Is anybody still watching after all that?