Quotes
The Clipshow Wherein Dante and Randal Are Locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Great Moments in Their Lives
Clerks
- British Man: [asking for cigarettes] Pack of fags.
- Randal Graves: You're a fag.
- British Man: It's a cigarette, mate.
- Randal Graves: I'm not your mate, fag.
- Randal Graves: I am going to restock the shelves and then I'm off to accept my Nobel Peace Prize. As for you Dante, don't let that door shut.
- Dante Hicks: It's funny. Sitting here, waiting to die. You know what I've been thinking about?
- Randal Graves: Which one of them we're gonna eat?
- Randal Graves: You know, if this were a sitcom, we'd probably flash back to all our old episodes.
- Dante Hicks: Yeah.
- Randal Graves: Say, do you remember that time Leonardo Leonardo tried to open that convenience store across the street?
- Randal Graves: Oh yes. The convenience store of the future.
- Leonardo Leonardo: [Flash back to Leonardo Leonardo] I give you the people of Leonardo, the future.
- [Leonardo Leonardo reveals the Quicker Stop]
- Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the freezer] I thought we were in trouble for sure.
- Randal Graves: Speaking of trouble, how about that time Leonardo had us in his office?
- Leonardo Leonardo: [Flashback to Leonardo talking with Dante and Randal] I want to offer you a job working here, for me. I want you lock, stock, and barrel.
- Randal Graves: Is this some sort of gay thing?
- Leonardo Leonardo: No.
- Randal Graves: You're sure?
- Leonardo Leonardo: Yyyyess...
- Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the freezer] That was the same time.
- Randal Graves: What?
- Dante Hicks: That was the same time Leonardo Leonardo opened the convenience store across the street.
- Randal Graves: Right. Well what about the time we broke into his office?
- Randal Graves: [Flashback to Dante and Randal looking like they're trying to climb the building] We're almost there.
- Dante Hicks: [a flower pot falls and breaks in between where Dante and Randal are standing] Why are walking like this?
- [the camera reveals they are walking from right to left instead of climbing up]
- Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the freezer] That was also last week.
- Randal Graves: So?
- Dante Hicks: So a lot more has happened to us than just last week.
- Randal Graves: Oh yeah? Name something.
- Dante Hicks: Do you remember the first time we met?
- Randal Graves: Oh yeah.
- [the same flashback]
- Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the frezer] That wasn't the first time we met, that was last week again.
- Dante Hicks: I guess we're not lucky at love or cards.
- Randal Graves: Which is why we almost became priests, remember?
- Priest: [In a singing voice] Do you novitiates Hicks and Graves, before God and his church, now voluntarily take the solemn vows of obedience, poeverty, cand chastity?
- Dante Hicks, Randal Graves: [In a singing voice] We do.
- Priest: Then by the powers invested in me by the state of New Jersey, I now pronounce you man and wife.
- Dante Hicks, Randal Graves: [Freaking out] What?
- Randal Graves: Do you remember the time she got you to help paint her house?
- [while painting the house, Randal sees Caitlin making out with the painter]
- Dante Hicks: Nobody's perfect.
- Randal Graves: What about the time at your dad's birthday party?
- [People singing for Dante's dad]
- Dante Hicks: Where's Caitlin?
- [Randal sees Caitlin making out with the painter again]
- Dante Hicks: I thought it was the weird that she invited the painter to my dad's birthday party.
- Randal Graves: And what about that time at the painter's birthday party?
- [At the painter's birthday party, Randal sees Caitlin making out with the painter again]
- Dante Hicks: I thought it was weird that the painter invited us to his birthday party.
- Randal Graves: I rest my case.
- Randal Graves: Do you want to watch a video?
- Dante Hicks: Good idea, what do you have.
- Randal Graves: Spielberg's latest opus. It combines his nose for commercial properties with is integrity as a chronicler of the Holocaust. Flintstone's List. Liam Neeson is Fred.
- Dante Hicks: We're not watching that. Remember the time we watched that?
- [Flashback to Dante and Randal watching the movie]
- Dante Hicks: [a part of the movie is shown]
- Randal Graves: Amistad was much funnier.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
- Dante Hicks: I'm on a break.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Why does 2% milk...
- Dante Hicks: I said I don't care. Get out.
- Gwyneth Paltrow: But I have a membership. Paltrow, Gwyneth.
- Randal Graves: I said get out.
- Dante Hicks: We're closed. Get out.
- Randal Graves: Get the hell out, Scorsese.
- Dante Hicks: Screw you, Miss Hepburn.
- Randal Graves: Up yours, Matt Damon.
- [Randal throws a soda at Matt Damon]
- Jay: Give the guy a break, I remember this one time, me and Silent Bob were on the run.
- [Flashback to Jay and Silent Bob running with a sofa into an alley]
- Jay: [Jay and Silent Bob notice Caitlin making out with two painters]
- Dante Hicks: She was with two painters?
- Jay: At the same time?
- Dante Hicks: I understand.
- Jay: Dude, it was a three way.
- Dante Hicks: What do you say we talk about...
- Jay: An all painter three way, man.
- Dante Hicks: Boy, it wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" REALLY meant. Right, "mate"?
- Randal Graves: You're a fag.
- Dante Hicks: No, a fag's a cigarette, remember?
- Randal Graves: You're a cigarette.
- Woman with grocery bag: It's Ted Danson.
- Woman with stroller: Hey, it's Ted Danson.
- Dante Hicks: Hey, it's Ted Danson...
- Randal Graves: It's payback time.
- [throws a soda at Ted Danson]
- Randal Graves: Get the hell out, Scorsese.
- Dante Hicks: Screw you, Miss Hepburn.
- Randal Graves: Up yours, Matt Damon.
- Dante Hicks: Let's make sure, whatever we do, this never happens again.
- Randal Graves: You know what this reminds me of? The last time we got locked in a freezer. Remember?
- [Upon coming across horrific ice statues of Dante and Jay in the freezer]
- Man: Ahhh. Zorda monster.
- Dante Hicks: Oh, Caitlin...
- Randal Graves: Caitlin, schmaitlin. She left you an obsessed wreck of a man who works below minimum wage in a convenience store.
- Dante Hicks: You work here too.
- Randal Graves: At least I have my dignity. And tapes of you having sex with Caitlin.
- Woman Customer: I have been waiting here for two hours. Open up the video store.
- Randal Graves: In a minute, ya harpie.
- Girl: It's been raining all day.
- Boy: I'm bored.
- Girl: I know. Let's make a movie. Take off your shirt.
- Jay: Hold it kids.
- Girl: Oh my gosh. It's Jay and Silly Bob.
- Silent Bob: That's Silent Bob.
- Boy: And NBA great, Charles Barkley.
- Charles Barkley: Hey kids.
- Jay: I thought we told you to get out of here.
- Narrator: The following television show is entirely fictitious. Any similarities to the history of any person, living or dead, or any actual events is entirely coincidental and unintentional. Except where specifically noted otherwise in the cast and crew credits, all celebrity voices are impersonated and no celebrities have endorsed any aspect of this show. In retaliation, this show endorses no celebrities. Except for Ben Affleck, pre-Reindeer Games.
- Jay: [during the episode intro on the DVD]
- [getting a massage from Silent Bob]
- Jay: Welcome back. We're chillin' poolside at our phat palatial estate. You just saw episode 1. It was cool to make, right, Silent Bob?
- [Silent Bob nods]
- Jay: But there was one problem: Because it was TV, we couldn't curse. So on behalf of that, fuck, suck, suck it, stroke my cock, eat my balls, suck some cock, no, don't suck some cock. Ew. Eat some fat, wet, y'know. But fuck, suck, suck, suck it and fuck it, shit, shit, tits, ass, and balls and cock. Balls, cock, pussy, titty. Naw. Well anyway, here's episode 2. I'm gettin' a rub down, y'know what I'm sayin'?