Coupling (TV Series)

Her Best Friend's Bottom (2001)

Sarah Alexander: Susan Walker

Quotes 

• Steve : You bring these things into our homes! They sit on our chairs! They WATCH our televisions! I-I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please - WHAT are they FOR? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards sitting around everywhere! I mean, what are they? Pets for chairs?

  [to salesman] 

  Steve : Come on - you sell them - what are they for?

  Senior Shop Assistant : Well... you sit on them.

  Steve : Ah! Hahahaha. Y'see, that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Watch this. Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me - I'm sitting down and what do I do on my final approach? I - ooh! - move the cushion! See? It's not involved! It's not... PART of the whole... sitting process. It just... lies there! It's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!

  Jane : It's... y'know... padding.

  Steve : Padding? Oh now, that's interesting. I like padding. Y'know, if I was, say, uh, an American Football player, y'know, all those big bastards running at me, I would say "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!". Y'know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much". Susan, Sally, Jane, THIS... is a sofa! It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course... DALEKS. You do not, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. So, please, once and for all, tell me WHY on earth you would want me to sit on one of these?

  Susan : BECAUSE... if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you TALKING!

• Junior Shop Assistant : Why do girls like you always have a boyfriend?

  Susan Walker : Because I have acute nymphomania and my own brewery.

• [Captain Subtext uses his "truth helmet" to read the characters' minds] 

  Junior Shop Assistant : [showing Susan some fabric patterns]  I have an enormous penis.

  Steve : Actually, I've-I've got a bigger penis by far.

  Junior Shop Assistant : Sorry, but my penis is staggeringly vast.

  Steve : Look, I'm-I'm massively well-endowed!

  Senior Shop Assistant : [taking the fabric]  I am the manager here, so *my* penis is like an enormous train, with gigantic...

  Susan Walker : Oh, for God's sake!