- Jerry Helper: Hey, why can't you be home to give me a kiss like other wives do?
- Millie Helper: What other wives have been giving you kisses?
- Rob Petrie: Morning, honey.
- [puckers his lips expecting a kiss, but instead gets an earful]
- Laura Petrie: [in rapid-fire fashion] What do you mean by that? It may be a good morning for you, but it wasn't for me! You didn't have to clean up the mess that this one made when he decided to finger paint all over the bathroom mirror with the toothpaste. And you don't have to be concerned at all about the fact that the cleaning woman isn't coming today and you have five people coming for lunch. Sure, go ahead, good morning! Why not?
- Rob Petrie: [recoiling] Honey, give me another chance. I'll go out and come in again.
- [starts for the door to the living room]
- Rob Petrie: I won't say good morning - I'll just wave as I go by.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I gotta call my wife before she gets ready to burn the dinner. Boy, you heard of pot roast - she makes roast pot. Hello, Pickles, honey? Yeah, it's me. Oh, boy, have I got a thrill for you. I'm not comin' home for dinner.
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Believe me, Rob, as the producer, I'm sorry.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: We believe you, Curly. You're a sorry producer.
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: It was the sketch. I knew Alan wouldn't like it. And when it comes to comedy, I have an unerring instinct.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's right, you got the instinct of a herring.
- Rob Petrie: [after getting off the phone with Laura] I'd have never believed it.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What?
- Rob Petrie: That sweet, lovable, understanding girl I married - she's turned into a... wife!
- Rob Petrie: Have you had your coffee?
- Jerry Helper: Are you kiddin'? Millie hasn't gotten up to fix me coffee since we're married. She's gotta get her "fifteen hours."
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Miss Blake, our audience doesn't care how sleepy we get. We must give unstintingly of our strength and talent. Our work must come first. We must never allow our personal pleasures to interfere with our work. Now, if you'll excuse me, my wife and I have tickets for the theater tonight.
- [leaves]
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Goodbye, "We"!
- Millie Helper: Rob is a doll and you know it.
- Laura Petrie: I just hope Valerie Blake doesn't collect dolls.