The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Punch Thy Neighbor (1962)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Brady : [on TV]  "The Alan Brady Show" is a Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly production.

  Millie Helper : Where did they get that name, Jeff-Greg-Barb-Lou-Ben-Ray-Polly?

  Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Well, Jeff and Greg are the kids, Barb is his wife, Ben is his lawyer, Ray is his brother, and Lou is his manager.

  Jerry Helper : Who's Polly?

  Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Oh, that's his bird.

• Officer Jack Bain : [believing Jerry Helper's low appraisal of the recent Alan Brady Show to be sincere]  There aren't any laws to protect us from bad TV shows yet, so you're safe.

  Robert 'Rob' Petrie : [at a low but growing boil]  Thank you.

  Officer Jack Bain : Well, thanks for the tickets, Mr. Petrie, and I, uh... I hope you come up with a good one next week.

• Laura Petrie : Well, what happened?

  Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Well, this waitress that I know there came over to the table and said she saw the show last night and she thought it was excellent. And that's when ol' Jer went to work.

  Laura Petrie : What did he do?

  Robert 'Rob' Petrie : He started playing district attorney. He took the plates out of her hands, put 'em on the table, sat her down and cross-examined her. He said, "Well, young lady, tell me. You say you thought The Alan Brady Show last night was magnificent. I see. Now, tell me, did you see Ben Hur? Uh-huh. You did. What did you think of Ben Hur? Oh, magnificent you say? Would you say that The Alan Brady Show is as GOOD as Ben Hur? Oh, no? Well, would you say that... that The Alan Brady Show was HALF as good as Ben Hur? Oh, no? Ah, one quarter as good? No. One eighth as good? Ah-ha! One eighth, you say. Then I contend that one eighth of magnificent is rotten!"

• Jerry Helper : What are you doing with those scissors?

  Robert 'Rob' Petrie : What am I doing with those scissors? I was planning on cuttin' my throat with them, that's what!

• Laura Petrie : Rob, are you all right?

  Robert 'Rob' Petrie : [pinned to the floor by Jerry]  Oh! There's a... a pressing pain on my chest.

  Jerry Helper : What's the pain feel like, boy?

  Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Feels like a hundred eighty pound dentist sittin' on it.

• Robert 'Rob' Petrie : How would you like it if I went around saying, uh, "Jerry Helper's gold fillings turn green in my mouth! He's a rotten dentist!"

  Jerry Helper : Hey, be quiet, will ya? The door's open; I got three patients in this block!

  Robert 'Rob' Petrie : I'm sorry.

  Robert 'Rob' Petrie : [goes to the open door and shouts]  Hey, everybody! Jerry Helper is a rotten dentist!

  Jerry Helper : [rushing to close the door]  HEY, CUT IT OUT!