The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
The Gunslinger (1966)
Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie
Photos
Quotes
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Rob Petrie : I ain't leavin'. I ain't runnin' no more. We ain't leavin' town. I'm gonna face him.
Laura Petrie : Rob, I DO wish you'd stop saying that.
Rob Petrie : Well, I AIN'T leavin'.
Laura Petrie : "Ain't" is what I wish you'd stop saying. Rob, the boy's beginning to pick it up. It sounds bad.
Rob Petrie : Well, I AREN'T leavin' town.
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Ritchie Petrie : Daddy! You're wearin' a dress!
Rob Petrie : It ain't what a man wears, boy. It's what's in his heart.
Ritchie Petrie : Is there a sissy in your heart, Daddy?
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[When it comes to buying guns, Sheriff Rob's a fussy customer]
Gun Drummer : Try this baby out.
Rob Petrie : Oh, that's pretty.
Gun Drummer : It's a beauty.
Rob Petrie : Looks a little expensive, though.
Gun Drummer : I can give you a deal on that, though. It's secondhand.
Rob Petrie : Oh, really?
Gun Drummer : Used only once to kill a little old lady in Pasadena.
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Rob Petrie : That ain't no lady. That's my wife.
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Sally Rogers : [referring to wanted posters on the sheriff's wall] This one-- that's the only one I want no part of-- Big Bad Brady.
[Rob drops his chicken tray]
Buddy Sorrell : How come every time somebody mentions Big Bad Brady, you drop a tray?
Rob Petrie : I once rode with Brady.
Sally Rogers : When?
Rob Petrie : When I was a gunslinger.
Sally Rogers : You were a gunslinger?
Rob Petrie : Yep.
Sally Rogers : You were a gunslinger turned sheriff?
Rob Petrie : No, my last job was a parson.
Sally Rogers : You were a gunslinger turned parson?
Rob Petrie : No, when I quit being a gunslinger, I became a singer.
Sally Rogers : A slinger turned singer.
Rob Petrie : I hated all that violence, so I became a singer in a saloon.
Buddy Sorrell : A singin' parson!
Rob Petrie : No, parson came later. Folks didn't like my singin', so I became a dancer. Then a rancher.
Sally Rogers : A slinger-singer turned rancher-dancer.
Buddy Sorrell : Then you became a sheriff.
Sally Rogers : Don't forget the parson.
Buddy Sorrell : Yeah.
Rob Petrie : No, it's easy. Look, I was a slinger turned singer, turned dancer, turned rancher, turned parson, turned sheriff.
Sally Rogers : Oh. When you became sheriff, you swore you'd get Brady, right?
Rob Petrie : No, I swore to get Brady when I was a dancer. But, then, what can a dancer do to anybody?
Sally Rogers : Yeah. So, why'd you swear to get 'im?
Rob Petrie : 'Cause I wanted to rid the west of everything that's mean and corrupt and ugly.
Buddy Sorrell : Then you better save one of them bullets for my wife.
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Mel Cooley : [entering the sheriff's office] Grab some sky!
[Rob tries to grab some rifles]
Mel Cooley : I wouldn't do that, Sherriff!
Rob Petrie : I can't. Couldn't find a key, eh? Who are you, and what do you want?
Buddy Sorrell : That's Killer Cooley.
Mel Cooley : How could you tell with my hat on?
Buddy Sorrell : [patting Mel's belly] You forgot to cover the ponderosa.
Rob Petrie : So you're Killer Cooley, eh?
Mel Cooley : Right.
Rob Petrie : Bad Brady's weak brother-in-law.
Mel Cooley : Yeah, darn it. And I got a message for you from Bad.
Rob Petrie : That ain't good.
Mel Cooley : He wants me to tell you two things. First, he's coming to town.
Rob Petrie : Over my dead body.
Mel Cooley : That's the second thing.
Rob Petrie : That don't scare me none. I can still handle these irons...
[slaps his legs, forgetting that he doesn't have guns]
Rob Petrie : Oh, boy.
Buddy Sorrell : Sheriff, you keep forgettin' you ain't got no guns.
Mel Cooley : A sheriff without guns?
Rob Petrie : When I quit bein' a gunslinger, I hung up my guns. I ain't wore 'em since.
Sally Rogers : You gave up gun fighting?
Rob Petrie : No, I forgot where I hung 'em. I just don't even... Basement, Ritchie's room, I don't know.
Mel Cooley : Well, you better find 'em, and by tomorrow noon.
Rob Petrie : Why by high noon?
Mel Cooley : 'Cause that's when Bad Brady's coming to town for the show.
Buddy Sorrell : You mean the showdown, stupid.
Mel Cooley : I mean the show, shorty. He wants to see a stage show.
Buddy Sorrell : Oh, hey, I play the cello.
Mel Cooley : Well, you'd better play it good, because if he don't like anybody in the show, he's gonna kill 'em.
Sally Rogers : Nobody's gonna want to be in the show if they know they're gonna get killed.
Mel Cooley : That's the sheriff's problem. And if he don't get a good show together, there's only one person gonna get killed, and that's the sheriff.
Sally Rogers : Are ya scared, Sheriff?
Rob Petrie : Miss Sally, I don't know the meanin' of the word scared.
[pause]
Rob Petrie : Terrified, panic-stricken, I know all those.
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Sally Rogers : Here's your favorite, fried chicken.
Rob Petrie : Oh boy! And hominy grits.
Sally Rogers : Oh I don't know, about 40 or 50.
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Rob Petrie : [Sheriff Rob breaking up a betting pool in the Saloon] what are they betting on?
Sally Rogers : You
Rob Petrie : Me?
Sally Rogers : Yeah, and your fight with Brady
Rob Petrie : They betting on me to win?
Sally Rogers : No, on which way you'll fall. It's 20 to 1 on backwards. You want some of the action?
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Laura Petrie : [Laura throwing herself in front of Sheriff Rob and begging for his life] Listen Bad, if you ever had any feelings for me at all, please spare this man!
Alan Brady : I never had any feelings for you.
Laura Petrie : [holding her fingers an inch apart] Not even a little bit?
Alan Brady : No, not at all, well maybe a sister for a little while, but no more!
Rob Petrie : Make your move Brady.
Alan Brady : You make your move.
Laura Petrie : [Still in front of Rob, fearfully] Shouldn't I make MY move?
Rob Petrie : Good thinking.
Laura Petrie : [as she scurries away] Thanks, Rob!