The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
The Meershatz Pipe (1961)
Mary Tyler Moore: Laura Petrie
Quotes
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Laura Petrie : What are you doing out of bed?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Oh! I'm all well! I'm all right. I just had a touch of seven hour virus. It's all gone. I'll just have a last gargle and be right on my way.
[Rob takes the cup from Laura's hand, drinks the liquid and gargles]
Laura Petrie : Rob? Rob! You're gargling with chicken rice soup!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Rice?
Laura Petrie : Yes.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : [getting back into bed, resigned] Good. I thought my teeth were falling out.
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Laura Petrie : Rob, nobody can take your place. You're the head writer on The Alan Brady Show because you've got talent, you've got taste, you've got sensitivity.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : [pouty] I haven't got a PIPE.
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Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie : Daddy doesn't like me.
Laura Petrie : Oh, Ritchie, don't be silly. Your daddy loves you.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie : He might love me, but he doesn't like me.
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Laura Petrie : Honey, I think you better forget about the office today.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Why?
Laura Petrie : Well, your eyes still have that funny look.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : It's because they've been closed all night.
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Laura Petrie : Rob, you're not well.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Laurie, I'm perfectly all right.
Laura Petrie : Really? Then how come you can't out-wrestle a 112-pound woman?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Because I'm not really trying, that's why.
Laura Petrie : [pinning him down] Try.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : All right, you want to play around? Okay.
[tries to get up, but Laurie keeps him pinned down]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Okay, Gorgeous George, knock it off. All right, so you're stronger than me; what does that prove?
Laura Petrie : It proves you're sick.
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Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie : [whispering] Mommy.
Laura Petrie : [whispering] Oh, good morning sweetheart. Don't make any noise. Daddy isn't feeling well.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie : Can I keep the dollar bill?
Laura Petrie : What, sweetie?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie : Can I keep the dollar bill?
Laura Petrie : Oh, yes, sure, sweetie, keep it.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie : Can I keep it even if I tell you?
Laura Petrie : Yes. Ritchie? Come here. Tell me what?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie : What I'm not supposed to tell you.
Laura Petrie : What aren't you supposed to tell me?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie : That Daddy's gone to work.
Laura Petrie : Oh...
Laura Petrie : [now fully awake and shouting] Daddy's gone to work?