The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
The Meershatz Pipe (1961)
Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie
Photos
Quotes
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Laura Petrie : What are you doing out of bed?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Oh! I'm all well! I'm all right. I just had a touch of seven hour virus. It's all gone. I'll just have a last gargle and be right on my way.
[Rob takes the cup from Laura's hand, drinks the liquid and gargles]
Laura Petrie : Rob? Rob! You're gargling with chicken rice soup!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Rice?
Laura Petrie : Yes.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : [getting back into bed, resigned] Good. I thought my teeth were falling out.
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Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Rob! How do you feel?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : I'm fide!
Sally Rogers : Fine? You look like an ad for "Send this boy to camp."
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : I don' wanna go to ca'p!
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Laura Petrie : Rob, nobody can take your place. You're the head writer on The Alan Brady Show because you've got talent, you've got taste, you've got sensitivity.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : [pouty] I haven't got a PIPE.
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Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Look at this! These jokes are gold!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Not gold, lead. I read 'em.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : You read 'em, but you don't listen to what you're reading. You've gotta listen, you gotta hear like... like Alan would say it. Uh, look at this one: "Calling car 32! Calling car 32! Wipe off your windshield, somebody is stealing your radiator cap!"
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Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Hey, d'y'ever see the collection Alan has? Oh, he must have over five hundred pipes in his den.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : In his den? In his house?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : No, the den in his car. What kind of a question is that?
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Laura Petrie : Honey, I think you better forget about the office today.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Why?
Laura Petrie : Well, your eyes still have that funny look.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : It's because they've been closed all night.
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Laura Petrie : Rob, you're not well.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Laurie, I'm perfectly all right.
Laura Petrie : Really? Then how come you can't out-wrestle a 112-pound woman?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Because I'm not really trying, that's why.
Laura Petrie : [pinning him down] Try.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : All right, you want to play around? Okay.
[tries to get up, but Laurie keeps him pinned down]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Okay, Gorgeous George, knock it off. All right, so you're stronger than me; what does that prove?
Laura Petrie : It proves you're sick.
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Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Oh, fine thing! You take the word of a strange doctor over that of your own husband.
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Robert 'Rob' Petrie : [talking on a phone] It's Rob Petrie, the head writer of The Alan Brady Show, that's who. I sound different because by wife thinks I've god a cold.
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Mel Cooley : [stopping a sick Rob from entering the office] Just a moment! Where do you think you're going?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : To my office, naturally.
Mel Cooley : As producer of this show, I forbid you to enter this office. You're contagious.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Contagious?
Mel Cooley : "The Alan Brady Show" goes on the air tomorrow night. I am not going to risk Alan's health by allowing you to come in contact with him.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : I came here to write for him, not to kiss him.
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Robert 'Rob' Petrie : [Buddy is talking about Alan having a den in his house] I haven't been to Alan's house since I signed my contract last year.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Well, maybe if and when you sign your new contract next year, you might get to see it.