The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
The Meershatz Pipe (1961)
Morey Amsterdam: Buddy Sorrell
Quotes
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Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : [the writing staff noticed that the pipe is made of ivory and are trying to finish "The Alan Brady Show" with a joke] Oh, ivory! Beautiful! Finish it with an ivory joke, at the piano, right?
Sally Rogers : Yeah.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : He sits and he looks at the keys; he says, "Do you realize that it takes two elephants to make the keys for a piano like this?" And the guest star says, "My, I didn't know those big brutes did such delicate work."
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Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Rob! How do you feel?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : I'm fide!
Sally Rogers : Fine? You look like an ad for "Send this boy to camp."
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : I don' wanna go to ca'p!
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Sally Rogers : You mean Alan didn't give you that pipe?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Alan give ME a present? It aggravates him to give me my salary.
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Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Look at this! These jokes are gold!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : Not gold, lead. I read 'em.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : You read 'em, but you don't listen to what you're reading. You've gotta listen, you gotta hear like... like Alan would say it. Uh, look at this one: "Calling car 32! Calling car 32! Wipe off your windshield, somebody is stealing your radiator cap!"
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Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : We're writing a comedy show, we got no time for jokes.
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[first lines]
Sally Rogers : ...and Alan says, ah, "Good night, folks, and remember, if you ever find yourself in hot water, take a bath."
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Good! Good, I like it.
Sally Rogers : Good.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Oh, wait a minute!
Sally Rogers : What?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : We can't do it.
Sally Rogers : Why?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Did it last week.
Sally Rogers : Oh, yeah, that's where I heard it.
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Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Hey, d'y'ever see the collection Alan has? Oh, he must have over five hundred pipes in his den.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie : In his den? In his house?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : No, the den in his car. What kind of a question is that?
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Sally Rogers : You mean to tell me that all that jazz about Lazslo Meershatz and the pipe, you just made that up to make us both feel like second bananas?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Yeah.
Sally Rogers : Good thinking!
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Robert 'Rob' Petrie : [Buddy is talking about Alan having a den in his house] I haven't been to Alan's house since I signed my contract last year.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Well, maybe if and when you sign your new contract next year, you might get to see it.