- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [the writing staff noticed that the pipe is made of ivory and are trying to finish "The Alan Brady Show" with a joke] Oh, ivory! Beautiful! Finish it with an ivory joke, at the piano, right?
- Sally Rogers: Yeah.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: He sits and he looks at the keys; he says, "Do you realize that it takes two elephants to make the keys for a piano like this?" And the guest star says, "My, I didn't know those big brutes did such delicate work."
- Laura Petrie: What are you doing out of bed?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh! I'm all well! I'm all right. I just had a touch of seven hour virus. It's all gone. I'll just have a last gargle and be right on my way.
- [Rob takes the cup from Laura's hand, drinks the liquid and gargles]
- Laura Petrie: Rob? Rob! You're gargling with chicken rice soup!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Rice?
- Laura Petrie: Yes.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [getting back into bed, resigned] Good. I thought my teeth were falling out.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Rob! How do you feel?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm fide!
- Sally Rogers: Fine? You look like an ad for "Send this boy to camp."
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I don' wanna go to ca'p!
- Laura Petrie: Rob, nobody can take your place. You're the head writer on The Alan Brady Show because you've got talent, you've got taste, you've got sensitivity.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [pouty] I haven't got a PIPE.
- Alan Brady: Well, that's it for tonight, folks, and remember, when you walk down the street, keep a smile on your face and you'll be amazed at how many people come up to you and say...
- Alan Brady: [turning snide] ..."What's so funny!"
- Sally Rogers: You mean Alan didn't give you that pipe?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Alan give ME a present? It aggravates him to give me my salary.
- Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Daddy doesn't like me.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Ritchie, don't be silly. Your daddy loves you.
- Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: He might love me, but he doesn't like me.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Look at this! These jokes are gold!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Not gold, lead. I read 'em.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You read 'em, but you don't listen to what you're reading. You've gotta listen, you gotta hear like... like Alan would say it. Uh, look at this one: "Calling car 32! Calling car 32! Wipe off your windshield, somebody is stealing your radiator cap!"
- [first lines]
- Sally Rogers: ...and Alan says, ah, "Good night, folks, and remember, if you ever find yourself in hot water, take a bath."
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Good! Good, I like it.
- Sally Rogers: Good.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, wait a minute!
- Sally Rogers: What?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: We can't do it.
- Sally Rogers: Why?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Did it last week.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah, that's where I heard it.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Hey, d'y'ever see the collection Alan has? Oh, he must have over five hundred pipes in his den.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: In his den? In his house?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: No, the den in his car. What kind of a question is that?
- Laura Petrie: Honey, I think you better forget about the office today.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Why?
- Laura Petrie: Well, your eyes still have that funny look.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It's because they've been closed all night.
- Laura Petrie: Rob, you're not well.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Laurie, I'm perfectly all right.
- Laura Petrie: Really? Then how come you can't out-wrestle a 112-pound woman?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Because I'm not really trying, that's why.
- Laura Petrie: [pinning him down] Try.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All right, you want to play around? Okay.
- [tries to get up, but Laurie keeps him pinned down]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Okay, Gorgeous George, knock it off. All right, so you're stronger than me; what does that prove?
- Laura Petrie: It proves you're sick.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, fine thing! You take the word of a strange doctor over that of your own husband.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [talking on a phone] It's Rob Petrie, the head writer of The Alan Brady Show, that's who. I sound different because by wife thinks I've god a cold.
- Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: [whispering] Mommy.
- Laura Petrie: [whispering] Oh, good morning sweetheart. Don't make any noise. Daddy isn't feeling well.
- Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Can I keep the dollar bill?
- Laura Petrie: What, sweetie?
- Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Can I keep the dollar bill?
- Laura Petrie: Oh, yes, sure, sweetie, keep it.
- Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Can I keep it even if I tell you?
- Laura Petrie: Yes. Ritchie? Come here. Tell me what?
- Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: What I'm not supposed to tell you.
- Laura Petrie: What aren't you supposed to tell me?
- Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: That Daddy's gone to work.
- Laura Petrie: Oh...
- Laura Petrie: [now fully awake and shouting] Daddy's gone to work?
- Mel Cooley: [stopping a sick Rob from entering the office] Just a moment! Where do you think you're going?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: To my office, naturally.
- Mel Cooley: As producer of this show, I forbid you to enter this office. You're contagious.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Contagious?
- Mel Cooley: "The Alan Brady Show" goes on the air tomorrow night. I am not going to risk Alan's health by allowing you to come in contact with him.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I came here to write for him, not to kiss him.
- Sally Rogers: You mean to tell me that all that jazz about Lazslo Meershatz and the pipe, you just made that up to make us both feel like second bananas?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah.
- Sally Rogers: Good thinking!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [Buddy is talking about Alan having a den in his house] I haven't been to Alan's house since I signed my contract last year.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, maybe if and when you sign your new contract next year, you might get to see it.