- Buddy Sorrell: Well, I don't know anything about Happy Spangler as a writer, but he certainly's gonna do more good for this company than... someone who shall remain hairless.
- [a game in a men's clothing store: Laura selects a tie for Rob and the clerk will accurately guess his looks and occupation based on her selection or the tie is free]
- Laura Petrie: All right, what's he like?
- Happy Spangler: Well, he's tall, good-looking and has excellent taste in wives.
- Laura Petrie: So far, perfect. Now what does he do for a living?
- Happy Spangler: He's the 35th president of the United States. Shall I wrap it up, Mrs. Kennedy?
- Rob Petrie: That could be Hap Spangler. Gee, I'd like to see him again.
- Laura Petrie: Were you very fond of him?
- Rob Petrie: Fond of him? I hated him.
- Laura Petrie: Really?
- Rob Petrie: Oh, with a passion.
- Rob Petrie: That old Hap Spangler used to run a pretty tough school, but I learned more from him than all the other people I EVER worked for.
- Rob Petrie: [gestures to the house] You could say Hap is responsible for gettin' me all of this.
- Rob Petrie: [gestures to Laura] And now all of this.
- Laura Petrie: Well, old Hap may have been responsible for getting you all THAT this but THIS this I gave you.
- Rob Petrie: That right - for a wedding present!
- Rob Petrie: How are ya, Hap?
- Happy Spangler: [playfully] Oh, for a sick old man I feel... pretty sick and old.
- Rob Petrie: Uh, Hap, I don't exactly know how to say this...
- Happy Spangler: Well I do, so let me say it for you: "Hap, whatever happened to you? You used to be one of the biggest radio writers in the world. I thought you were dead. What're you doing in a haberdashery store selling ties." Is that what you're about to say?
- Mel Cooley: Oh, Buddy'll never be a has-been. He'll always be a never-was.
- Buddy Sorrell: Look who's talkin'. Been in the business twenty years, he's still a what-is-it.
- Mel Cooley: I've always felt we were understaffed. Rob, I don't see how you've done as well as you have with just you, Sally and a trained ape.
- Buddy Sorrell: I didn't know you were trained.
- Buddy Sorrell: [mockingly] Hey, Mel, you're not gonna meet a new employee like THAT? For Heaven's sake, comb your hair! Sally, loan him a sponge.
- Mel Cooley: If you'll excuse me, Mr. Spangler, I have work to do.
- Buddy Sorrell: Good luck emptying the ashtrays, skinhead.
- [Rob asks Sally to bring Hap up-to-date on their latest script]
- Sally Rogers: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Alan Brady Show." You're now up to date.
- Rob Petrie: You mean that's all we've got?
- Sally Rogers: Well, don't you remember we threw out the opening sketch?
- Buddy Sorrell: HE threw it out. I still liked it. I don't know what was wrong.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, Buddy, the thing was too long. It was in bad taste. It wasn't even funny.
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, aside from that, what didn't you like?