- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, as the producer of this show, once more I must insist that you instruct your staff to show me a little respect.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: We're showing you as little respect as possible.
- Sally Rogers: [performing as Jimmy Durante] I walks into a very classy restaurant, and I orders pheasant under glass. I had eaten most o' da glass and was just about gettin' down t' da pheasant when I noticed a sign that says Watch Your Hat and Coat. Well, I watched my hat and coat, and what happened? Somebody stole m' pheasant.
- [Mel invites the writing staff to their boss's party]
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob, indicating Buddy] What about HIM?
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: HIM will be there with bells on. If it's cold, I'll wear something warmer.
- Rob Petrie: I don't think we outta end this week's show with a joke. I'd like Alan to come out and say something with meaning.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah? What kind of meaning?
- Rob Petrie: I wrote down a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What show's he write for?
- Sally Rogers: All right, fellas, will you break it up? Will you break it up, please? I got a date with an unmarried accountant and I wanna get there before he gets married.
- [Laura thinks Richie might be getting sick; Rob thinks she's overly and unnecessarily concerned]
- Rob Petrie: Well, then, how do you know he's sick?
- Laura Petrie: Well, there are symptoms.
- Rob Petrie: [disbelieving] What symptoms?
- Laura Petrie: Well...
- Rob Petrie: Come on, I'm the boy's father.
- Laura Petrie: He turned down his cupcake.
- Rob Petrie: [mocking Laura, exaggeratedly] He turned down his cupcake? And you didn't call an ambulance?
- [Late for the party, Rob has just about gotten Laura out to the car]
- Janie: Just a minute! What did you say was in the bottom shelf of the refrigerator?
- Rob Petrie: Who knows? If it's food, eat it; if it's a phone number, call it.
- Rob Petrie: [Rob has come home and he wants Laura to accompany him to a party hosted by his boss. They kiss hello] How's your white satin evening gown?
- Laura Petrie: Fine, how's your red flannel bathrobe? What kind of a greeting is that?