- Stacey Petrie: [as Skid Row the rock star singing his biggest hit single] My heart told me that I should get a wife / My heart said I was in a rut / My heart told me that I should get a wife / I wish my heart would keep its big mouth shut!
- Rob Petrie: Hey, Stace!
- Stacey Petrie: Hi, ya, Burford!
- Rob Petrie: It's show time!
- Stacey Petrie: Oh, good! It's show time and I'm my favorite performer!
- Stacey Petrie: This fella goes up to a guy on the street and he says, "Say," he says "can you gimme fifteen cents for a sandwich?" and the guy says, "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."
- Sally Rogers: Rob, do you really think your brother will stop walkin' in his sleep if he auditions for Alan tonight?
- Rob Petrie: Well, he might, since his doctor thinks that the, uh, somnambulism is a symptomatic manifestation of a compulsive frustration.
- Sally Rogers: [to Buddy] You gonna let him talk to me like that?
- Buddy Sorrell: [finishes playing his cello] And, folks, to think I only studied for five years in London, ten years in Paris and fifteen years in vain.
- Sally Rogers: [to Rob] "Symptomatic frustration" - what kind of talk is that for a comedy writer?
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, you keep that up you wind up on a hospital show.