- Ritchie Petrie: [singing You're the Top] You're the top! You're the Tower of Pizza! You're the top! You're the Mommy Lisa!
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I did not come here to get insulted.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Oh? Where do you usually go to get insulted? I'll go anyplace!
- Rob Petrie: Laura, there is no reason for your behavior!
- Laura Petrie: There is every reason for my behavior - I'm angry!
- Rob Petrie: Angry, yes, because I wouldn't behave like a puppet! Because I felt a responsibility to my employer!
- Laura Petrie: For heaven's sake, Rob, that's not why I'm angry. I realize you have to do what you think is right. I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself get pushed around by anyone, including me.
- Rob Petrie: Well, what are you angry with me for?
- Laura Petrie: I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with me for being angry with you.
- Rob Petrie: Well, is there anything I can do to patch up this little quarrel you're having among yourself so I can get out of the doghouse?
- Laura Petrie: Did you ever think of trying a kiss?
- [Rob leans over to kiss her on the neck]
- Laura Petrie: Not on the neck.
- [Rob kisses her lightly on the cheek]
- Laura Petrie: That's better.
- [Rob kisses her lightly on the lips]
- Laura Petrie: Almost.
- [smiles]
- Laura Petrie: [they embrace and kiss deeply] Oh, yes.
- [they resume their kiss]
- Rob Petrie: [referring to Ritchie] How'd he get so cute?
- Laura Petrie: Your mother says you were just like him when you were a little boy.
- Rob Petrie: Why, I'm surprised she said that.
- Laura Petrie: Why?
- Rob Petrie: I think I'm cuter. Gimme a kiss.
- Laura Petrie: Never kiss egomaniacs.
- Rob Petrie: Well, how 'bout hungry husbands?
- Laura Petrie: Them I feed.
- [She puts a grape in his mouth]
- Bill: [after singing "You're the Top"] Boy, that Irving Berlin sure knew how to write 'em, didn't he?
- Rob Petrie: Uh, Cole Porter.
- Bill: You sure it wasn't Berlin?
- Rob Petrie: Porter.
- Bill: I coulda swore Irving wrote that. Then who wrote "White Christmas"?
- Rob Petrie: Irving Berlin.
- Bill: Oh, yeah.
- [laughs]
- Bill: You know, I always get those two songs mixed up. It's a good thing I don't need an ear for music. I'm in ladies underwear.
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob] Well, there's a young girl singer making her debut on a local Washington station tomorrow, and Alan would like you to go there and do some talent scouting.
- Rob Petrie: Sure, I'd love to go.
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Ah, fine.
- Rob Petrie: Hey, wait a minute, tomorrow morning is bad for me. How about the next day?
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Oh, I'm afraid not. No, every TV station in town is gonna be sending a... a scout down there, and we don't want them to beat us to the punch.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah. How about letting Buddy go?
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah, how about letting Buddy go?
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: We want an opinion we can respect.
- Rob Petrie: Maybe you can convince me that I'm not a liar and a rotten husband and an irresponsible father.
- Bill: Boy! Whatever you didn't do, I think you shoulda done it.
- [Rob phoned Alan Brady to say his son may have a broken arm]
- Laura Petrie: Why didn't you just tell him the truth?
- Rob Petrie: Because I just couldn't tell Alan Brady that the reason I can't go to Washington is because my son is the main bunny.
- Laura Petrie: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting a man who gave up a trip to Washington, simply because... I ORDERED him to. Presenting... my puppet!
- [brings out Rob as a puppet]
- Laura Petrie: Now, bow for the people.
- [Rob bows]
- Laura Petrie: Now show how nicely you make a telephone call.
- Rob Petrie: [talking on a phone; nasally] Hello? I want to go to Washington!
- Laura Petrie: No! Now, you say that the RIGHT way.
- Rob Petrie: [nasally] Hello? I DON'T want to go to Washington!
- Laura Petrie: That's a good boy.
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I hope I'm not disturbing you.
- Rob Petrie: No, not at all, Mel.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Speak for yourself, Rob. I can't even drink coffee with Goldilocks around; curdles the cream.