- Josh Nichols: You know what makes me feel good? Volunteering to help people.
- Drake Parker: You know what's fun? Instant messaging four girls at once.
- Josh Nichols: Like one time I made Drake come with me to volunteer at this home for the elderly.
- Drake Parker: But it was NOT fun when Josh brought me to some old folks home to help out.
- Josh Nichols: We met this couple who was in their late eighties - Murray and Francine Boshwich.
- Drake Parker: Which is where I got to meet Murray and Francine Boshwich.
- Josh Nichols: Mrs. Boshwich tried to cut Drake's hair 'cause she thought he was a hippy.
- Drake Parker: Next thing I know, she' comin' at me with scissors yellin' "Hold still, hippy!"
- Josh Nichols: And then Mr. Boshwich starts telling us these stories.
- Drake Parker: Then her husband starts yappin' about the old days.
- Josh Nichols: Which wouldn't have been so bad except that he was eating meatloaf while he talked.
- Drake Parker: And the whole time he's talkin', he's scarfin' down meatloaf.
- Josh Nichols: It was kind of like...
- Drake Parker: Imagine this...
- Josh Nichols: [with a mouthful of food] "When I was seventeen, I dated the ugliest girl in all of Wisconsin."
- Drake Parker: [with a mouthful of food] "You give me one good reason why they shoulda canceled Bonanza."
- Josh Nichols: Anyway, I went back to that old folks home a bunch of times.
- Drake Parker: I never went THERE again.
- Josh Nichols: 'Cause I really like cheering up old people.
- Drake Parker: 'Cause instant messaging girls is WAY more fun than having Mr. Boshwich spit meatloaf on your face.
- Drake Parker: Don't you care about me?
- Josh Nichols: At least someone.
- Drake Parker: Then be a good person. Go in there and make that little boy cry.
- Rebecca: Let me know if you need any more help.
- Drake Parker: Let me know if you need any more Drake.
- Sammy: Man, you are so much fun!
- Josh Nichols: Yeah, you , too.
- Sammy: No, I mean it. You're, like, the coolest guy ever.
- Josh Nichols: Seriously?
- Sammy: Yeah.
- Josh Nichols: Well, that's a first.
- Sammy: Whadda ya mean?
- Josh Nichols: You know. Drake being my brother, people usually think HE'S the cool guy; so, it's kinda nice havin' someone think it's the other way around for once. Thanks, Sammy.
- Rebecca: Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.
- Mrs. Hayfer: What IS it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent?
- Drake Parker: All right, listen, Josh. I'm in big trouble.
- Josh Nichols: Whose girlfriend did you hit on now?
- Drake Parker: I'm talkin' about Sammy.
- Josh Nichols: Sammy has a girlfriend?
- Drake Parker: [slapping Josh] Focus!
- Mr. Hayfer: I'm Gerald Hayfer, my wife is your English teacher.
- Drake Parker: Right.
- Mr. Hayfer: She hates you.
- Drake Parker: I know.