- Josh Nichols: [in the hospital] I hate this place.
- Audrey Parker-Nichols: Just be patient. Get it? "Patient." Ha-ha-ha.
- [no one else laughs]
- Audrey Parker-Nichols: Why do I try?
- Josh Nichols: You can't impersonate a doctor. It's against the law.
- Drake Parker: I'm not impersonating a doctor. I'm pretending to be one.
- Dr. Carlson: [mistaking Drake for Dr, Nussbaum] And to think that you grew up in Kansas on a corn farm.
- Drake Parker: [keeping up the pretense] Ah, yes, we grew all kinds of corn there - on-the-cob, popped, creamed...
- Drake Parker: What's up?
- Josh Nichols: Hey. Just working out.
- Drake Parker: Why? Megan beat you at arm wrestling again?
- Josh Nichols: It was a tie.
- Dr. Carlson: [preparing for surgery] Well, shall we, uh, scrub up?
- Drake Parker: Oh, I'm cool. I took a shower last night.
- Student Nurse #2: Dr. Nussbaum's married?
- Josh Nichols: Oh, ho ho, yes.
- Student Nurse #2: But he asked me out.
- Nurse Kelly: He asked ME out.
- Nurse: He made out with me.
- Dr. Carlson: Nussbaum, you dog. Is there anything this guy can't do?
- Josh Nichols: You know, I HATE it when Drake gets me into situations.
- Drake Parker: I love getting Josh into... "situations."
- Josh Nichols: Like, one time, he entered me into a chicken wing eating contest.
- Drake Parker: Like, once, I entered Josh into a chicken wing eating contest.
- Josh Nichols: So, they rang the bell, and I started scarfin' down chicken wings as fast as I can.
- Drake Parker: And, I swear, Josh woulda won.
- Josh Nichols: But the contest got stopped when these crazy people showed up to protest
- Drake Parker: But the contest got stopped by the PFCR.
- Josh Nichols: The People For Chickens' Rights. They were very upset.
- Drake Parker: They were so mad, they threw Josh in a lake.
- Josh Nichols: I was thrown into a lake.
- Drake Parker: So I jumped in and helped him float ashore.
- Josh Nichols: I was moist and angry!
- Drake Parker: Then I ate some of the leftover chicken wings.
- Josh Nichols: There were three things I leraned that day.
- Drake Parker: I learned a few things that day.
- Josh Nichols: Number one: the People For Chickens' Rights - CRAZY.
- Drake Parker: The PFCR? Outta control.
- Josh Nichols: Numbr two: Drake can get me mixed up in prety insane situations.
- Drake Parker: Josh? Not the best swimmer. And last...
- Josh Nichols, Drake Parker: Chicken wings - pretty good.
- Josh Nichols: [seeing Drake decked out in hospital garb] Whadda ya doin'?
- Drake Parker: Playin' doctor.
- Josh Nichols: Playing?
- Drake Parker: Yeah, dude, this hospital is, like, crawling with cute nurses.