- Dr. Dave Malucci: Todd here is a basement wrestler.
- Dr. Mark Greene: I had an uncle who was a closet ballerina.
- Dr. Donald Anspaugh: Patients with psychological problems falsely accuse their doctors of all sorts of things. I had a guy today blame me for hypnotizing him in order to drink his blood.
- Dr. Robert Romano: Well, we'll have to look into that another day, Donald. But the fact is, to the best of my knowledge, you are not actually a vampire.
- [about Carter's much younger girlfriend]
- Dr. John Carter: She's very mature for her age. She's cool, she's fun, she's...
- Abby Lockhart: She's Britney Spears' little sister.
- Dr. Kerry Weaver: I think that Dr. Legaspi is a wonderful doctor, and I don't think that she did any of the things that she's accused of doing.
- Dr. Robert Romano: Well, that's well spoken, Kerry. That's very convincing. Please remind me never to ask you to testify on my behalf.
- Dr. Dave Malucci: [under his breath] Tumor.
- Dr. Mark Greene: What was that?
- Dr. Dave Malucci: The old Dr. Greene would have helped this kid.
- Dr. Mark Greene: I am.
- Dr. Dave Malucci: Maybe there's something to this competency stuff, huh?
- Dr. Mark Greene: Keep it up, Malucci. You'll be looking for a new job.
- Dr. Dave Malucci: What are you doing?
- James' Father: What?
- Dr. Dave Malucci: Your son, you know, hurt himself. He needs a little compassion and... and you come in here and humiliate him.
- James' Father: You don't know him. He needs discipline. He's always doing stupid stuff like this.
- Dr. Dave Malucci: You ever wonder why? Maybe there's a reason he behaves this way.
- James' Father: Yeah, it's called being crazy and the cure for it's a good kick in the ass.
- Dr. Dave Malucci: Around here, we call that abuse, man.
- James' Father: Oh, get out of here.
- [shoves Malucci]
- James' Father: .
- Dr. Dave Malucci: Hold on, where you going?
- [James' father grabs Malucci and shoves him to the corner]
- James' Father: Go work on your golf game, doc.
- [Malucci headbutts him]
- James' Father: .
- Dr. Dave Malucci: Golf?
- Dr. Mark Greene: What the hell is going on?
- James' Father: You son of a bitch! I'm gonna sue your ass.
- Dr. Dave Malucci: Kiss it while you're at it.
- Dr. Mark Greene: Malucci, get out of here.
- Dr. Dave Malucci: What, the guy's abusing his son!
- Dr. Mark Greene: Malucci, out, now!
- Dr. Elizabeth Corday: I took a little time off to recoup some energy, but now I'm fine!
- Dr. Robert Romano: Well, then that would explain the baby monitor I see strapped to your belly. Or are you just glad to see me?