- Ren Stevens: You were right about Cynthia. You know, that was very insightful of you.
- Donnie Stevens: [laughs nervously] That's like smart, right?
- Ren Stevens: Oh, very much.
- Cynthia Mills: Question number two: name the capital of Tasmania.
- Beans: Okay. How about George? That's my uncle's name!
- Dr. Henri LaGrange: Hello! I'm Dr. Henri LeGrand. And welcome to "Look Smart - Be Smart!". The video that teaches you to appear intelligent.
- Donnie Stevens: Needo!
- Dr. Henri LaGrange: Are you tired of being an airhead?
- Donnie Stevens: Totally.
- Dr. Henri LaGrange: Do you want to be respected for your brain?
- Donnie Stevens: Yes.
- Dr. Henri LaGrange: Are you talking to the television right now?
- Donnie Stevens: [pauses] No.
- [first lines]
- [Ren is about to sit down to watch the news as Louis and Twitty sit down on the couch in matching raincoats, wearing umbrella hats and carrying seltzer water bottles]
- Ren Stevens: No, no, no! You guys, don't!
- Louis Stevens: What?
- Ren Stevens: I was just about to watch Cynthia Mills do the six o'clock news. I don't think so.
- Louis Stevens: Well, that's great because as soon as her boring news program is over; we get to watch the hilarious antics of Zippy Winds!
- [Louis and Twitty cheer and high five each other; Ren turns on the TV]
- KSAC News Announcer: Live from our studios in downtown Sacramento with our Action News team, anchor Cynthia Mills, sports with Sluggo Bydell, and Zippy Winds with the weather. Time for the K-SAC News.
- [Louis and Twitty cheer again once Zippy is mentioned]
- Cynthia Mills: Good evening, Sacramento. I am Cynthia Mills with tonight's news.
- Ren Stevens: Isn't she great? She's so honest and intelligent and hard-hitting.
- Cynthia Mills: Our top story: horticultural history was made today as the town of Gilroy unveiled the world's largest garlic clove.
- Louis Stevens: [regarding the report] Oh, it's so hard-hitting and honest, and...
- Ren Stevens: Yeah, well, it's a slow news day.
- Cynthia Mills: And for our young news hounds, don't forget to send in your audition tape so you can be my junior reporter!
- Ren Stevens: Don't worry, Cynthia. I am on it!
- [Ren salutes to the TV]
- Louis Stevens: Wait, you're gonna be her junior reporter?
- Ren Stevens: Well, first I have to submit a tape. You know with some sample news coverage? But I have some great ideas. You know, the "Wombat Report"? All that experience is paying off!
- Alan Twitty: [enthusiastically] Dude, you get to meet Zippy!
- [Twitty applauds]
- Ren Stevens: Dude, don't call me "dude"; and yeah, probably. But I... I... that's not on my list of priorities really.
- Louis Stevens: Ren, you need to promise us on all that is holy that when you get the job and I know you will! You'll get it!
- Ren Stevens: Thanks.
- Louis Stevens: No matter what that you'll introduce us to Zippy Winds. Promise. Scout's honor. Do it right now! "I swear..." Ren?
- Ren Stevens: Fine, ok.
- Louis Stevens: Yeah!
- [Twitty applauds]
- [Donnie opens the front door and sees Beans walks into the house]
- Donnie Stevens: Well, if it isn't little Bernard from next door.
- Beans: [annoyed] It's Beans.
- [Donnie enters the kitchen as Steve and Eileen prepare dinner]
- Donnie Stevens: Hello, Mother.
- Eileen Stevens: [caught off-guard by Donnie's glasses and clothing] Hi, Don... nie. Sweetie, when did you start wearing glasses?
- Dr. Henri LaGrange: [acting as Donnie's conscience] To appear intelligent when asked a difficult question, do not blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Simply ask the same question back, you see?
- Donnie Stevens: When did you start wearing glasses?
- Steve Stevens: Son, we don't wear glasses.
- Donnie Stevens: Ah, that's what I thought.
- Beans: What part of bacon don't you understand?
- [Beans goes into the kitchen]
- Donnie Stevens: Hey, for all you know, I might be a bonafide genius!
- Beans: Yeah, right!
- Eileen Stevens: Do you know what you'd like for dinner, Donnie?
- Donnie Stevens: How about a corn-on-the-copia?
- [Eileen chuckles]
- Steve Stevens: Son, did you bump your head on a dictionary?
- Donnie Stevens: Did you bump my head on a dictionary?
- Eileen Stevens: [whispers; to Steve] I think he's wearing his football helmet a little too tight again.
- Steve Stevens: I'll go check the oxygen level in his room.
- Eileen Stevens: Yeah.
- [Steve exits the kitchen]
- Eileen Stevens: [Eileen laughs as Donnie adjusts his glasses; she puts her hands on her eldest son's cheeks]
- Eileen Stevens: Aw, mommy loves you!
- [Beans is standing in Ren's bedroom; Louis and Twitty are giving Beans answers through a hat via an earpiece]
- Alan Twitty: [into the microphone] The major crops of the Philippines are rice, sugar canes, bananas and coconuts.
- Beans: [reciting the answers to Ren] Rice, sugar canes, bananas, and...
- [an annoyed Louis grabs the mic from Twitty as Beans struggles with the last answer]
- Louis Stevens: [screams into the mic] Coconuts!
- [the feedback hurts Beans' ears]
- Beans: Coconuts.
- Ren Stevens: That's exactly right!