- Steve Stevens: [looking at the birds] I guess Miss Nuthatch is looking for a mate!
- Ren Stevens: [looking at Bobby and Mandy] Yep. That's what she's doing, alrighty.
- Louis Stevens: Please take your seats. First of all, I just wanna thank you guys for coming on such short notice. I really appreciate it.
- Tawny Dean: What's going on? I mean, you paged me, like, ten times.
- Louis Stevens: As you may have heard, yesterday Mr Twitty and I experienced what one would call a major dissing, courtesy of seventh grader: Mr Tom Gribalski.
- Alan Twitty: I feel violated.
- Louis Stevens: Friends just don't treat friends like that. We need to show this Mr Gribalski that revenge is swift! And oh, so sweet.
- Alan Twitty: Sweet, Mr Stevens, very sweet. Why are we using last names?
- Louis Stevens: [silently mouthing the words] I don't know.
- Louis Stevens: Tom Gribalski, you just won the District's Chess Championship! What are you gonna do now?
- Tom Gribalski: I'm gonna go get my windbreaker.
- Nelson Minkler: [Ren's Dad is coming to school to lecture about nature] I didn't know your Dad was into birds and everything.
- Ren Stevens: Are you kidding me, Nelson? My Dad is practically Mr Outdoors.
- Nelson Minkler: Well, if my Dad was on his way here, I'd be getting an embarrassment rash in places I'm too embarrassed to tell you about.
- Ren Stevens: Well, for your information, Nelson, my Dad's not coming here to embarrass me. He happens to be one of the area's foremost authorities on the Dickcissel.
- Nelson Minkler: [he's barely able to contain his laughter, then gets mock-serious] I'm sure the lecture will go very well.
- Eileen Stevens: [unloading groceries in the kitchen] Why do I have all this pizza? Louis...
- Louis Stevens: Yes?
- Eileen Stevens: When you knocked over that pyramid of beef stew cans, was that to distract me while they rang up a hundred and fifty dollars worth of frozen pizza?
- Ren Stevens: OK, I could have gotten my hiking boots.
- Louis Stevens: Sorry, sis. Listen. I'm on a four-slice-a-day habit, all right? Just, let's preheat the oven to four-fifty, and discuss this in a calm and reasonable manner.
- Ren Stevens: [Ren gets lost on Devil Mountain, when she wanders down the treacherous Devil's Backside] Dad, how did you find me?
- Steve Stevens: I figured you'd miss the sign, and wander down the Devil's Backside. Sure enough, I was able to see your head sticking out of the crack.
- [the pun must be intentional!]