- Artie Ryan: [Twitty throws a wild pitch, hitting a vendor near the bleachers] Oh, right in the peanuts. That's gotta hurt.
- Louis Stevens: [to Twitty, after hearing Big Al's recording of his less-than-stellar spa] So, do you want to get in the mud or go straight to the kissing booth?
- Donnie Stevens: Hey, hey, no. Look, we're here to pack him in the mud and straighten his head out.
- Alan Twitty: I'm not getting in that nasty mud.
- Louis Stevens: Look, Twitty, I'm your best friend, okay, and I want to help you, but you're at the point where only YOU can help you.
- Alan Twitty: Dude, I don't know, man. The mud's starting to smell kind of funky.
- Louis Stevens: [impatiently] Twitty...
- [points to Donnie]
- Louis Stevens: he drove fifty miles, okay?
- [puts money in the pay jar]
- Louis Stevens: I'm spending fifteen dollars. You're getting in the stinking mud!
- Alan Twitty: I'm not getting in the mud pit, man!
- [cut to him soaking in the mud bath]
- Tawny Dean: How does it feel?
- Alan Twitty: [unpleasant] Feels like I'm in a giant bowl of dirt pudding with an old rusty license plate in it.
- Louis Stevens: [the team is on the verge of losing the game] Coach, listen. I think it's time for a pitching change.
- [turns to Twitty sitting in the dugout reading a book]
- Louis Stevens: Twitty, get in there, buddy, come on!
- [Twitty stands up]
- Coach Tugnut: Twitty, sit down!
- [Twitty sits down]
- Coach Tugnut: Stevens, for the last time, you are not the coach here. The only reason you're on the team is because you have a radar gun. Where'd you get that thing, anyway?
- Louis Stevens: Got it at a police auction. Now, I would have gotten the Jaws of Life. It just didn't fit on my bike.
- Artie Ryan: [after the team suffers another strike] Uh-oh! There goes another one.
- Coach Tugnut: [walks over to Twitty in the dugout] Twitty, why are you just sitting there? Get in the game!
- Alan Twitty: But I thought you said...
- Coach Tugnut: GO!