Even Stevens (TV Series)

Raiders of the Lost Sausage (2002)

Tom Virtue: Steve Stevens

Quotes 

• Louis Stevens : Dad, it's not what you think!

  Steve Stevens : Did you just dig a giant hole through our basement wall?

  Louis Stevens : Well, yeah... may-maybe that part's what you think. But, hey! You don't know the part about the treasure.

  Steve Stevens : Treasure?

  Louis Stevens : Yeah!

  Steve Stevens : This is just another one of your crazy, half-baked schemes.

  Louis Stevens : No, no, no. No, it's not half-baked. It's fully-baked! I did research!

• Mail Officer : Sorry, sir, our return policy is very specific.

  Steve Stevens : What is it?

  Mail Officer : No returns.

• Steve Stevens : Is anyone listening here? We have a problem! Does this kid expect us to support him every time he comes up with a new scheme?

  Donnie Stevens : Dad... You don't have to believe in what Louis is doing. You just have to believe in Louis.

• Donnie Stevens : You don't have to believe in what Louis is doing. Just believe in Louis. You don't have to believe in what Louis...

  Steve Stevens : I heard you the first time. Finish your eggs.

• Louis Stevens : I had the Sausage in my hand, but I lost it!

  Steve Stevens : Don't worry about it, son.

  [Louis knocks his hands angrily at the table] 

  Steve Stevens : Hey! We got something better than that.

  Louis Stevens : What's that?

  Steve Stevens : I don't know. I was gonna make a joke, but not enough time has passed. Come on. I'll make you an omelette.

  Louis Stevens : Do you know what's better than omelettes?

  Steve Stevens : What?

  Louis Stevens : Golden sausages.

• [first lines] 

  [the doorbell rings as Steve answers the door] 

  Mail Officer : Delivery for Louis Stevens.

  Steve Stevens : [sarcastically; as he signs for Louis' delivery]  Oh, boy. What now? What is it?

  Mail Officer : [gives Steve the leash to an emu]  An emu.

  Steve Stevens : What?

  Steve Stevens : [to the mail officer; as the emu enters the house]  Oh... no! Louis ordered an emu? Get outta here!

  Mail Officer : I'm sorry, sir. But our return policy is very specific.

  Steve Stevens : What is it?

  Mail Officer : No returns. Have a nice day.

  Steve Stevens : [to Steve; as she points over his shoulder]  You might wanna stop that thing from eating your family.

  [camera cuts to the emu eating the bottom left hand corner of a family portrait hanging on the wall next to the stairs] 

  Steve Stevens : [to the emu]  Whoa! Stop it! Stop that! Bad bird! Bad bird!

  Steve Stevens : [shouting; to Louis]  LOUIS!

• Steve Stevens : Louis, how come you're not at school?

  Louis Stevens : Well, how come you're not at work?

  [brief pause as both men chuckle to themselves] 

• [Steve sees Beans standing on a huge mound of dirt in the laundry room and emptying more dirt] 

  Steve Stevens : Beans, why are you dumping dirt in my laundry room?

  Beans : Because there's a big scary bird in the backyard!

• [Steve is confronting Louis about the emu in the basement when Eileen peeks in through the basement window] 

  Eileen Stevens : Hey, fellas! Fellas. Look what I found!

  [Eileen presents an emu egg to Louis, Steve, Tom and Twitty] 

  Steve Stevens : An egg?

  Eileen Stevens : I wonder where it came from.

  [the emu approaches Eileen and she screams] 

  Steve Stevens : [nervously]  Nice bird.

  [the emu drags her offscreen] 

  Steve Stevens : Oh, no! No! I'm coming, honey, don't worry!

  [Steve turns to Louis] 

  Steve Stevens : I'll deal with you later.

  [Steve exits the basement] 

• [Beans stands on top of a huge mound of dirt and dumps more of it with the baggy pants he's wearing, only to be caught by Steve] 

  Steve Stevens : Beans, why are you dumping dirt in my laundry room?

  Beans : Because there's a big scary bird in the backyard!