- Ren Stevens: So, are you going to ask a certain someone?
- Tawny Dean: No, I think I'm going to ask Louis.
- Louis Stevens: [after Tawny walks out on him] What just happened?
- Alan Twitty: I said 'play cool'.
- Tom Gribalski: Yeah, and you played the fool!
- Ren Stevens: [after Louis being thrown into the Pig Pen by Monique] Good job, Louis. You let the pig out.
- Louis Stevens: No. No, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.
- Monique Taylor: Come on, Louis, let's go and get hitched!
- Louis Stevens: Yeah, you know, I can't. Because I got this thing in my thing, which causes my thing to become, uh... uh, unhitched.
- Monique Taylor: Louis, look, you're in the seventh grade, I'm in the eighth. I know a thing or two about a thing or two.
- Principal Conrad Wexler: Ren, why in the ding-dong-dell was this delivered to our school today?
- Ren Stevens: Oh, Principal Wexler, sir, I'm sorry, the pig was not supposed to be arriving 'til tomorrow night.
- Monique Taylor: It's for the hillbilly theme for the Sadie Hawkins Dance.
- Principal Conrad Wexler: It's a health hazard. Or a zoning violation. Either way, it has formed an odd attraction to my ankle. Just get it out of my office.
- Ren Stevens: Oh, oh, um, sir, what am I supposed to do with the pig until tomorrow night?
- Principal Conrad Wexler: Start with housebreaking.
- Louis Stevens: [talking with Tawny about the upcoming Sadie Hawkins Day Dance] You wouldn't believe how many girls've been asking me out to that thing. I tell you, I can't keep their paws off me.
- [he laughs a bit maniacally]
- Tawny Dean: Oh, really.
- Louis Stevens: I need some of that babe repellent like Tom uses.
- Tom Gribalski: [listening at the 'sidelines'] Hey! I'll have you know that's my cologne: Midnight in Cairo.