- Mrs. Culpepper: There's pulp in my orange juice. I don't like pulp in my orange juice.
- Tom Gribalski: Well, maybe you've never given it a fair shake. Personally, I love the pulp. Gives my OJ that right-off-the-tree, fleshy taste. Mmmm, mmmm.
- Mrs. Culpepper: I don't remember asking how you liked your juice... For the last time, just give me a glass of orange juice, sans pulp!
- Tom Gribalski: Of course. 'Cause pulp's bad! Pulp's scary! Ooooh... Everybody, look out for the pulp!
- Mrs. Culpepper: [after Louis takes Tom aside and reminds him to be nice to the guests] Forget the juice! I'm turning in early.
- Tom Gribalski: [sarcastically] Oh, would you like me to check your room for pulp?
- Louis Stevens: [Louis has turned the Stevens house into a Bed & Breakfast] Of course the crown jewel of the Garden Cafe is the lovely Tawny Dean. She's the piano player here. We call her the human jukebox, 'cause she knows all kinds of songs.
- Kitna Twin: Does she know "I hate it here, we should've gone to Hawaii?"
- Tawny Dean: [improvising a song] I hate it here / We should've gone to Hawaii / Where they say "aloha" / And roast little piggies.
- Tom Gribalski: Can you imagine skiing down those slopes with hot potatoes in your pockets?
- Tom Gribalski: [Louis, Tawny and Twitty look at Tom suspiciously, as he tries to explain himself] To keep your hands warm.
- Louis Stevens: Mrs. Culpepper, I presume? What a nice jacket. How was your trip?
- Mrs. Culpepper: Miserable.
- Louis Stevens: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Well, we at Stevens Manor are all about you, the guest, and help you forget about all your problems! So come here! COME HERE! Give me a hug. Oh...
- [gives Mrs. Culpepper a hug. Mrs. Culpepper doesn't look all too comforted]
- Louis Stevens: You guys seen the rec room yet? No? You haven't seen it? Well there you go. There's a ball, play safe, all right?
- [he hands the twins two paddles and a ping-pong ball]
- Kitna Twin: All you have is a ping-pong table?
- Louis Stevens: Yeah, well I never said anything about a table.
- Louis Stevens: It's almost 12 o'clock! They're all gonna want their money back.
- Ren Stevens: I know. Unless they don't know it's midnight.
- Louis Stevens: Unless they don't know it's midnight... Oh, I see where you're going! I see where you're going!
- [starts to laugh, as does Ren, Twitty, Tawny and Tom. After a while, they suddenly stops]
- Louis Stevens: Yeah, I don't really know where you're going with this.
- Eileen Stevens: Louis! Are you alright? How is your back?
- Louis Stevens: My... my back? My back? Yeah, yeah... I mean, it went out, but, uh... Then it came back in.
- [last lines]
- Steve Stevens: Honey, whose turn is it to scream?
- Eileen Stevens: Yours.
- Steve Stevens: [yelling at the top of his lungs] REN! LOUIS!
- Ren Stevens: [meeting the gorgeous Kitna twins, Ren tries seduction on them] Y'know, if you guys are lookin' for some fun, I have a bunch of board games downstairs in the closet.
- Ren Stevens: [they go downstairs and play 'The Organ Donor Game'] Ooooh, you landed on my kidney. That's gonna cost you.
- Ren Stevens: [the doorbell rings] Oh, I'll get that. And I will be back, so no cheating, and, uh, hands off my pancreas.
- Mrs. Culpepper: [staggering into the kitchen for the early breakfast at Stevens Manor] Something smells ambrosial.
- Beans: Don't look at me, lady.
- [Steve and Eileen are racing home to Louis and Ren]
- Eileen Stevens: Steve, can't you drive any faster? You're slower than my mother!
- Steve Stevens: Think you could drive any better?