Family Guy (TV Series)

Brian the Bachelor (2005)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Jesus Christ, Bachelorette Executive #2, Bachelor #3, Trevor, Frankenberry, Guy in Carrot Shirt, Oates

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : Oh, I know it hurts now Brian, but look at the bright side, you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the... the novel you've been working on. You know, the... the one, uh, you been working on for three years. You know, the... the novel. Mm, got something new to write about now. You know, maybe... uh, maybe a main character gets into a relationship, suffers a little heart break. Something like uh, what... what you been, you just been through. Draw from the real life experience. Little uh, little heart break. You know... work it into the story. Make those characters a little more three dimensional. Little, uh, richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing, what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue, everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one.

  [voice returns to normal] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, I look forward to reading it.

• Peter Griffin : [trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up]  It's the fabric, It's the fabric. Let's get your clothes off.

  [takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants] 

  Cleveland : Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, god you're self-conscious

  [Peter takes off his shirt and pants too] 

  Peter Griffin : See, now you're not alone.

• Peter Griffin : I bet I laugh so hard I shoot milk out my nose!

  Brian Griffin : Uh, Peter, this is Brooke... she's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.

  Peter Griffin : [laughs uncontrollably as a torrent of milk from his nose hits Brooke and Brian] 

• Lois Griffin : Oh my God. Peter, it looks like there's been a break-in!

  Peter Griffin : [sarcastic]  DUUUUUUH... Do you think so?

• Brian Griffin : I love you, Brooke.

  Brooke : I love you too, Brian.

  [They kiss] 

  Director : All right, that's a wrap.

  [They stop kissing and return to reality] 

  Brooke : Well, it was great working with you, Brian. Good luck.

  Brian Griffin : What are you talking about? What about us?

  Brooke : Oh, stop it. It's just TV.

  [She leaves and Michael Eisner approaches him] 

  Michael Eisner : Hi, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : Michael Eisner?

  Michael Eisner : On behalf of ABC, I'd like to give you this parting gift.

  Brian Griffin : A bill for the mansion?

  Michael Eisner : [as he runs off]  No givesies-backsies!

• Brian Griffin : [Believing that Brooke really still does love him, he phones her]  Hey, Brooke, it's me again, Brian. Hi. Wasn't sure if you got my last message or any of the other ones. Anyway, I'll just leave a quick message 'cause you might be trying to call me right now. And I don't want to tie up the line. So I guess, I guess... Yeah, give me a call. Okay, I'm hanging up in three, two, one. Okay, call me back. I'll be here all day, and tonight. Okay, bye. Hey, me again. Thought I might've heard a voice when I was hanging up. Nope? I guess not. Okay, I will talk to you soon. Hello? No. Sorry.

• Brian Griffin : [He's driving to Brooke's house talking on a car headset]  Hey, babe. Just trying you again. Listening to our guy Coltrane, you know. Okay. Anyway, I got a fax earlier about cheap airfare to Cancun. Didn't know if that was you trying to reach me. Let me give you my home number again just in case you lost it.

  Voicemail : Voicemail is full.

  Brian Griffin : Damn.

• Mailman : Package for Brooke Roberts.

  Brooke : Oh, that's me. Thanks.

  Brian Griffin : [She unwraps the boxes and discovers an answering machine with Brian's voice on it]  Hey, there. Me again. Your voicemail was full, so I got you this answering machine. So, what's going on? I was thinking about doing something tonight.

  [She flings the answering machine out her window and sees Brian below] 

  Brian Griffin : Hey, you're home.

  Brooke : Listen, Brian! I want you to leave me alone or I'm calling the cops!

  Brian Griffin : [He pulls out a guitar and sings]  Brooke, I'm so in love with you.

  [He gets clobbered by her phone]