Family Guy (TV Series)

Emission Impossible (2001)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Lois' sister is in labor] 

  Peter Griffin : No baby, but it looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that's the head.

  Lois Griffin : [to Carol]  Push. Push!

  Peter Griffin : I am, it won't go back in!

• Stewie Griffin : [after looking at himself with make-up on in the mirror]  Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!

  Lois Griffin : Stewie! Bad boy! That's mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favourite shirt. Now go to your room!

  Brian Griffin : Wow. The evidence is really piling up.

  Stewie Griffin : Make any joke you want. You know I look good.

• Chris Griffin : [Looking at the Griffin family album]  And here's the broken condom that led to my birth!

  Lois Griffin : And the lawsuit that followed bought us this house. You're our favorite mistake.

  Chris Griffin : You hear that, Meg? I'm the favorite!

• [during a romantic dinner] 

  Lois Griffin : [seductively]  You know, I'm not wearing any panties.

  Peter Griffin : Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

• [Lois' sister, Carol, is going into labor and Peter is driving to the hospital] 

  Lois Griffin : Don't worry, Carol, we're almost there.

  [the car stops] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, why are we stopped?

  Peter Griffin : [ordering at a drive-thru]  Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, for God's sake, she's having a baby!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, that's right.

  Peter Griffin : [to the drive-thru speaker]  And a kid's meal. And, uh...

  Peter Griffin : [to himself]  I guess I'll have fries.

  Peter Griffin : [to Lois and Carol]  If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? Because I don't wanna be the only one eating them, I'll feel like a fatty.

• Lois Griffin : [rushing Carol into the hospital]  Nurse! This woman is in labor!

  Mayor Adam West : [pushing her aside]  Excuse me, I was here first.

  [to the receptionist] 

  Mayor Adam West : My leg is asleep.

• Peter Griffin : You're going to have a baby brother, buddy!

  Lois Griffin : Or a sister.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, a new baby. That's wonderful.

  [waddling out] 

  Stewie Griffin : Well, call me when "Kojak" starts.

  [after a moment, he sticks his head back in] 

  Stewie Griffin : What?

• Lois Griffin : My sister just called. Her baby's due any day now, and Ted just walked out on her.

  Peter Griffin : Whoa, whoa. Back it up, back it up. You have a sister?

  Lois Griffin : I promised her I'd be on the next train. Oh, poor Carol, all alone in that big house.

  Peter Griffin : Wait a minute. Carol... Carol... is she the one with the Jacuzzi and the pool table?

  Lois Griffin : Yeah.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, I'd better come with you.

  Lois Griffin : Really? Well... well, that's a surprise.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, come on, Lois. When have I not been there for you?

  [cutaway; in their car, they're accosted by two thugs at a red light] 

  Thug #1 : Get out of the damn car! Now!

  Thug #2 : Scream and you're dead.

  Peter Griffin : [getting out]  Thanks for the ride, lady.

• Glenn Quagmire : Hey, hey! It's the Griffins. What can I do for you?

  Lois Griffin : Glenn, we have a family emergency. We really need you to take the kids for just a couple days.

  Glenn Quagmire : Uh, well... well, in accordance with Megan's Law, I'm obligated to inform you that, uh... you... you know what? That's fine, I'll take the kids.

• Peter Griffin : Um, hey, Carol, uh, since Ted dumped you, can I have his shirts?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, what are gonna do with Ted's shirts? He's half your size.

  Peter Griffin : I know, I know, I know, I know. But check this out. Hey... hey, Carol, say... say "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."

  Carol : David Banner, I just slashed your tires.

  Peter Griffin : [he pantomimes turning into the Incredible Hulk, then giggles]  I'm priceless.

• Stewie Griffin : Ah, baby books. Nostalgic for the days of chafed nipples and episiotomies?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, somebody hasn't heard the news.

  Stewie Griffin : News? What news?

  Lois Griffin : What's the most wonderful thing that could happen to this family?

  Stewie Griffin : Hmm...

  [in his daydream, he and the others lounge around, with a dead Lois on the floor like an animal carpet] 

  Stewie Griffin : [flipping through the paper]  Well, the Phillies won.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, why are you staring into the dryer?

  Peter Griffin : I'm watching the latest episode of "Laundry Theater". See, now... now, those are Chris' socks, right? Now, they don't know that Stewie's shirt is having an affair with Meg's trousers. Ooh, it's fun to watch rich people be naughty!

• [Stewie is singing "Up Where We Belong" from "An Officer and a Gentleman," Peter and Lois are near tears] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh, I love you Peter!

  Peter Griffin : And I love you Lou Gossett Jr!

• Chris Griffin : [looking through his baby book]  Look! There's the broken condom that led to my birth.

  Lois Griffin : [hugs Chris]  Yes, and the resulting lawsuit paid for this house. You're my favorite mistake!

  Chris Griffin : See, Meg?

  Chris Griffin : [shouts]  I'm the favorite!