- Mrs. Lockhart: What do you see here, Chris?
- [holds out his test by her chest]
- Chris Griffin: Two D's and an F.
- Lois Griffin: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket. She's more respectful than that.
- Stewie Griffin: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
- Mrs. Lockhart: Chris, You can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way...
- Donny: [Cut to Donny & Marie laying in bed together] -Uhh... Marie?
- Marie: ...Yeah, Donny?
- Donny: Ummm... we CANNOT tell mom.
- Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
- Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
- Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
- Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
- Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
- Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross?
- [farts, and his eye turns dark red]
- Stewie Griffin: AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!
- Lana Lockhart: It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
- Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
- Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plow you.
- Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.
- Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
- Lois Griffin: No.
- Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
- Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
- Stewie Griffin: How is that close?
- Carlos: My name is Carlos and beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn. And beneath that is a rapist.
- Lois Griffin: Brian why don't you teach Chris's class? You're very knowledgeable and the kids might knock you down a few pegs which would be good for you.
- Carlos: My name is Carlos, and beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn. And beneath that is a rapist.
- Stewie Griffin: Just remember, fat man, those jugs are mine until the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains.
- Peter Griffin: [to Chris' new teacher] Gosh, y'know, I don't mean to impose, but do you have a picture of yourself that I could tape to the back of Lois' head?