Family Guy (TV Series)

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington (2001)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Hipster #2, Mike Tyson, Kenneth, Co-Worker, Jerry, Student, Writer, Judge, Leprechaun, George Bush, Al Gore, Man, Lawyer #2

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : Lois, this is the best job I've ever had! Hey, since I've become President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. Hahahahahha.

  Alyssa Milano : What kind of cheap shot? Joel!

  Milano's Lawyer : I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it.

• Parking Director : Oh, No need to park here, Mr. Griffin, you have an executive parking space now.

  Peter Griffin : Well... that looks exactly like my old space.

  Parking Director : Yeah, but this one comes with your own company suck up!

  Company Suck Up : Morning, Mr. Griffin! Nice Day!

  Peter Griffin : Ehhh, It's a little cloudy.

  Company Suck Up : Exactly! It's one of the worst days I've seen in years! So, good news about the Yankees!

  Peter Griffin : I hate the Yankees.

  Company Suck Up : Pack of cheaters! That's what they are! I Love your tie!

  Peter Griffin : I hate this tie.

  Company Suck Up : It's awful, it's scotty, it's gotta go.

  Peter Griffin : [pauses]  And I hate myself.

  Company Suck Up : I hate you, too! You make me sick, you fat sack o' crap!

  Peter Griffin : But I'm the President.

  Company Suck Up : The Best There Is!

  Peter Griffin : [Right Away] 

  [Points] 

  Peter Griffin : But you just said you hated me!

  Company Suck Up : [Begins to jiggle]  But. Not. You. The President. That you. Said hated you. Who loved. Hate Yankees. Clouds.

  [Head explodes, sending gadgets and wires everywhere] 

  Parking Director : I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.

• Peter Griffin : [laughing at Dick Armey's name]  Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name? Vagina Coast Guard?

• Brian Griffin : [to get out of work to go to a Red Sox game, Peter lies to his boss]  Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.

  [Peter, Chris, and Meg all gasp] 

  Brian Griffin : Too soon?

• [on being President of the tobacco company] 

  Peter Griffin : And you won't believe all the perks we're getting!

  Ugly Girl : [to Meg]  Hi.

  Meg Griffin : Uhh... can I help you?

  Ugly Girl : Some company hired me to stand next to you all day so you'd look better by comparison.

  Meg Griffin : That's ridiculous! I don't need...

  Boy : Hey Meg, did you get less ugly?

  Meg Griffin : [grabbing onto the ugly girl]  Yeah!

• Stewie Griffin : Baby needs to suck ash! BABY NEEDS TO SUCK ASH! Not "ass" you pervert save it for the interns.

• [Peter calls in sick to work] 

  Peter Griffin : Mr Weed, I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.

  [Peter gets caught by his boss] 

  Peter Griffin : Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, why would they make you president?

  Peter Griffin : Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.

  [makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

• Lois Griffin : I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky.

  Peter Griffin : Me, too. Hey, maybe we can get on TV if we take our shirts off and run onto the field.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off.

  Peter Griffin : [lifting up Lois's shirt, exposing her bra]  There, now they're old news.

  Lois Griffin : [embarrassed, pulling her shirt back down]  Peter!

• Chris Griffin : [the family is heading to a Boston Red Sox game]  Look at what I made!

  [Chris holds up a 'John 3:16' sign] 

  Meg Griffin : What does that mean?

  Brian Griffin : [reading John 3:16 from the bible]  And the Lord says, 'Go Sox.'

• [during a smoking conference] 

  Stewie : Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.

• Peter Griffin : [while buttoning his Red Sox jersey]  Ah, there's nothing these kids learn in school they can't learn on the street.

  [Cutaway to two guys on the street] 

  Street Guy #1 : It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?

  Street Guy #2 : Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive?

  Street Guy #1 : Depends if he stops to see his ho.

  Street Guy #2 : [Tussling the other guy's hair]  That's what we call a variable.

• Lois Griffin : My god, it all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination.

  Stewie Griffin : [slow clap]  Bravo, Lois. The last waltz finally crosses the finish line.

  Lois Griffin : Stewie! All these months I've should have been paying attention to what you've been saying. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you?

  Stewie Griffin : Cheer up, Mother, you should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio!

  Lois Griffin : [spins into a deep abyss]  Aaaahhh!

  Peter Griffin : Lois! Lois! What's the matter?

  Lois Griffin : [waking]  Oh, oh. I had just had the strangest dream. Something about Stewie ... and Cheerios ... huh, it's gone.

• Peter Griffin : Lois was right. Children under 4 shouldn't smoke.

• Peter Griffin : Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Y'know, we've had a lotta laughs tonight, but I'll tell ya what's not funny. Killin' strippers. Strippers are people too. Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind a curtain at a VIP room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'Cause most of them are already dead inside. Goodnight, everyone.