- Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
- Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
- Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?
- Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.
- Peter Griffin: [enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged] Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident.
- [puts the tape into the VCR]
- Peter Griffin: [on the video] Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee!
- [cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter's clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. Cuts to Peter laying on the ground]
- Peter Griffin: [on the video] Waah! I'm handicapped now!
- Peter Griffin: There you have it.
- Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame
- [rewinds the tape on the VCR, then pauses]
- Tom Tucker: that's *you* driving the car.
- Peter Griffin: Well, there's your hook.
- Tom Tucker: Get out.
- [a slick-looking man drives up to Joe and jumps out of his car]
- Slick Guy: Jim Caplin: Sports Agent. You like this car?
- Joe Swanson: Yeah.
- Slick Guy: [hands over the keys] It's yours. You like these pants?
- Joe Swanson: Yeah.
- Slick Guy: [removes pants and hands them over] They're yours. You know what a merkin is?
- Joe Swanson: No.
- Slick Guy: [holds his underwear open] Pubic wig. I got one, you want it?
- Joe Swanson: No!
- Slick Guy: Of course not, you're a classy guy. You want to be rich?
- Joe Swanson: Yeah.
- Slick Guy: [takes out a contract] Sign here.
- Peter Griffin: Tom Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson, and I demand commercial endorsements, and a TV movie based on me staring Valerie BertandErnie.