- Peter Griffin: To the Hindenpeter!
- [Peter runs out of the house; a zeppelin flies by the window, followed by an explosion]
- Joe Swanson: Oh, my god!
- Peter Griffin: Joe, I am so sorry!
- Joe Swanson: How do you afford these things?
- Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him! He can't swim!
- Peter Griffin: Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!
- Lois Griffin: Peter! He's a paraplegic!
- Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear! Kick, Joe, kick!
- Darren (On Bewitiched): The power of Christ compels you, bitch!
- [Cleveland considers killing Quagmire with a baseball bat, while Meg, Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Emperor Palpatine watch]
- Emperor Palpatine: Good. Let the hate flow through you.
- [Lois pushes him to the ground and kicks him]
- Lois Griffin: You're not helping!
- John Edward: [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
- Peter Griffin: No.
- John Edward: A 'B'?
- Peter Griffin: No.
- John Edward: C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
- Peter Griffin: P! Peter! My name's Peter!
- John Edward: Is your name Peter?
- Peter Griffin: Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
- [Loretta moaning in the background]
- Brian Griffin: Hey do you hear that?
- Peter Griffin: What?
- Brian Griffin: Sounds like someone's screaming.
- Peter Griffin: Wha... What is it boy? What are you trying to say?
- Brian Griffin: It sounds like Loretta is screaming.
- Peter Griffin: Trouble at the old mill?
- Brian Griffin: What are you insane?
- Peter Griffin: Somebody fall through the ice?
- Brian Griffin: It's summer.
- Peter Griffin: Bobcat?
- Brian Griffin: Rarroar Roarrroaarrr
- Peter Griffin: Loretta's in trouble? Come on boy!
- [Brian looks down at the ground knowing he lost a bit of his dignity]
- Glenn Quagmire: [thinking] Oh, God, I'm screwed! This is worse than the time I had to fess up to the nation.
- Glenn Quagmire [as BIll Clinton]: My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gigoogity that girl. I geschmoigiddied her geflavaty with my googus and I am sorry.
- [while Quagmire throws on a bathrobe, Brian sees the tattoo on his left butt cheek reading "Your Face Here. 555-0143"]
- Brian Griffin: [points at Quagmire's tattoo on his butt] Peter, look!
- Peter Griffin: Holy crap, that's the tattoo. Well, I think we're about to find out who the culprit is.
- [gets out his cellphone and dials the tattoo's number]
- Peter Griffin: 5-5-5-0-1-4-3.
- Brian Griffin: Peter, I...
- Peter Griffin: Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.
- [Quagmire's phone rings and he picks it up and answers it]
- Glenn Quagmire: Hello?
- [pullback to reveal Peter standing next to Quagmire on his cellphone]
- Peter Griffin: Quagmire?
- Glenn Quagmire: Yeah.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, it's Peter. What's going on, buddy? We're at your house.
- [Brian runs up and knocks Peter's cellphone out his hands and points at Quagmire]
- Brian Griffin: Peter, he's the one we saw sleeping with Loretta.
- Peter Griffin: Oh my God!
- Glenn Quagmire: Damn it, I knew this was gonna happen! I didn't mean it, you know? I knew it was a mistake! It never felt right! Please don't tell Cleveland!
- Peter Griffin: Well, all right, Quagmire.
- [cut to Peter, Brian, Lois and Cleveland in the lounge room at the Griffin's House]
- Peter Griffin: Cleveland, Quagmire's sleeping with your wife?
- Lois Griffin: [shocked] What?
- Cleveland Brown: Quagmire slept with Loretta?
- Lois Griffin: Oh, my God, Cleveland! I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now.
- Cleveland Brown: It's okay.
- Brian Griffin: It's okay? It's okay to be betrayed by your wife and best friend?
- Cleveland Brown: Better it be Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from.
- Lois Griffin: CIeveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough!
- [erratically stands up, bends over and pulls down her pants]
- Lois Griffin: Oh, God! Peter, hit me!
- Brian Griffin: Yeah!
- [slaps Lois's butt]
- Lois Griffin: [erratic] Ow!
- [then Lois sheepishly turns around and covers her panties while Peter, Cleveland and Brian stare at her in shocked silence]
- Brian Griffin: Wow, so that's something, about Quagmire and Loretta, huh?